Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 83586 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83586 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
The very man who used to tell me about the importance of family would judge me for it, though.
Using the hallway bathroom, I cleaned up a bit and got dressed.
A blanket of darkness still covered the property, the barest of light peeking through. I didn’t have a plan, not really, but when I reached my folks’ back porch and saw my dad in a rocking chair with his coffee and a cigarette, I knew I was where I was supposed to be. My gut was a mess, but I ignored it, climbing the four stairs and sitting in the seat beside him.
Dad didn’t look at me, didn’t say a word as he lifted the cigarette to his mouth and took a drag.
“Mama’s gonna throw a fit if she sees you smokin’.”
He’d quit ten years ago, but either that was a lie or I’d driven him back to the habit.
When nothing but silence greeted me, along with the squeak of his chair, I sighed. “I remember one time, I was about ten, I reckon. Aunt Carrie was havin’ a real hard time. Mama went to the house and packed up a bag for Sammy Joe and brought him here. We were goin’ on vacation to that lake house, remember? We went a few times when I was a kid, and it was always the best time. Anyway, I was excited for it to be just me and Sutton. Sammy and I were never as close as we should’ve been. I see that now. He’s family, after all. I was mad at Mama because she said Sutton and I had to play with him, and that everything we did, Sammy had to do too.
“He was younger than us and just different. I got upset and stomped outta the house. You found me and asked what was wrong. I said I didn’t want to hang out with Sammy and didn’t understand why I had to, and you said because it’s the right thing to do. He’s family, and there ain’t nothin’ more important than that. It’s been seventeen years, and I remember those words. You always told me a man is judged for how he treats others, and I spent my whole damn life thinking you followed what you preached. I thought you were the best man I’d ever known, and I wanted nothing but to be just like you.”
He kept rocking and smoking, not turning to look at me or saying a word. His hand was shaking, though.
“The older I get, the more I see that’s not true.” A tear sneaked out, but it was the only one, all of them having been cried out already. “We got real pretty words, Dad, but we don’t follow through. We might have taken Sammy to the lake house, but we never did enough to help him with Aunt Carrie. We never did enough to help her with her struggles either. And when Sammy said he was…said he was gay, you turned your back on him. I didn’t completely, but I didn’t tell him it was okay, that I supported him, that nothin’ had changed.”
Please, please, please look at me. Talk to me.
“And now you’re turnin’ your back on me too, all because of who I love. Ain’t that some crazy shit? That lovin’ someone can cause all this? That lovin’ someone can be a hard limit a person can’t get past, or hell, somethin’ they care about at all? I get that I’m not innocent. Before Sutt, I might have been right along with you, and I ain’t proud of that, but I get it now.”
Still nothing. I didn’t get it—how people talked, the things they made you believe, and how different those words could be from their actions.
“I’m gonna do what you taught me but don’t follow yourself. I ain’t walkin’ away from Sutton, but I ain’t walkin’ away from you and Mama either. I’m gonna be good to my family, love my family. Maybe I can teach you what family is supposed to mean. If you want me gone, if you don’t love me no more, then you’re gonna have to tell me that, you’re gonna have to tell me and Sutt to leave, because I go where he goes. You can hurt me all you want, but you can’t hurt him. You can ignore me all you want, be angry with me, but I’m not gonna stop lovin’ my family, because that’s what the dad I thought you were raised me to do.”
I waited. The sun was rising now, everything fresh and new.
His chin wobbled.
Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me.
But he didn’t, so I stood. “I love him. That ain’t ever gonna change. And I love you too.”
I walked down the porch stairs, across the property, and back into the house.