Total pages in book: 93
Estimated words: 89145 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 446(@200wpm)___ 357(@250wpm)___ 297(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 89145 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 446(@200wpm)___ 357(@250wpm)___ 297(@300wpm)
Aw, fuck.
I scrubbed my hands over my face, and I opened my eyes as fast as I’d shut them. Christ, I could fall asleep standing up at this point.
“All right.” It wasn’t worth arguing. Truth be told, I would’ve demanded the same if the tables were turned. “I’ll go get—”
“Oh no, I’m coming with you.” He didn’t bother with shoes. “Who knows what scripted speech you’ll give him if I let you prepare him first.”
What the…
I swallowed around a sudden bout of queasiness. “You honestly believe I’d bring a security threat around the kids.”
“I—what? No, I—” He huffed and pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment. Then he clenched his jaw and stared me down. “Alfie, I’m in the fucking dark here. I’m trying to process everything going on, and when I don’t have any facts whatsoever, I’m on high alert without knowing if anything’s worth being on high alert for. You come here in the middle of the night because of some alleged work emergency, and…” He opened and shut his mouth, but I could predict what he wanted to say. Maybe he just didn’t find the words.
I saw it all in his eyes. I saw the sheer exhaustion, the frustrations, the worries, the hurt, the anger, and the confusion, and every one of his emotions shot right into me so I could feel them for myself. They mirrored so many of my own pains, and sometimes they attacked with enough force that one simply couldn’t express them verbally.
This was my doing. Everything I did had consequences that affected West, all because we shared two children together. He was sick with worry.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I swallowed and had to take a steadying breath. Fuck me, I could feel a meltdown coming on. The pressure in my chest was just too much. It turned my breaths shallow, and everything felt shaky. “I get defensive when you don’t believe me, because it hurts so fucking much, but I understand I’m not giving you any reasons to trust me lately. I—” I couldn’t say another word. They got stuck in my throat as my eyes burned, and I had to look away.
I couldn’t fucking do this. I felt so goddamn lost all of a sudden, and—
“Hey, come here.” West returned inside the house and nodded for me to follow.
I felt something wet and hot roll down my cheek, and I sucked in a breath and hurriedly wiped it away. How fucking mortifying. Was I really that weak? I couldn’t wait until I was alone? Motherfucker!
“I would never put our kids in harm’s way,” I heard myself croak, and it broke the fucking levees. Tears welled up and spilled over, and I covered my face with my hands. I would never hurt them; I would never hurt them. I loved them more than life itself; I’d kill and die for them, and—what the hell was happening? Before I knew it, West wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly, and he couldn’t fucking do that. I broke. I fucking shattered. My body shook with a low sob, and I turned rigid.
I hadn’t felt his arms around me in over two years.
There was nothing pretty about my breakdown. Nothing sweet or endearing in that way that might coax West to feel sorry for me and never let go. It was full-on, breathless sobbing because everything hurt. I had zero composure left. I folded my arms and brought both hands to his chest, and I just cried my ass off and felt his warmth underneath my fingertips.
I’m right sometimes, I’m wrong more often, I’m fucking fumbling in the dark too, I miss you so goddamn much that I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m trying to find my place, I wanna be happy, I’m lost without you, I’m so pissed at you for dumping me, but I understand why you did, please take me back.
“I know you’re a good dad, Alfie.” He cleared his throat and rubbed my back. “I had a knee-jerk reaction when I said I wasn’t sure they’d be safe with you, and I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry—even though I think it was a valid reaction.”
I whimpered and screwed my eyes shut tighter. Relief washed over me, but the sensation was subdued, because he was right—again. He had every reason to doubt me. Any parent would if they found out their ex, whom they had kids with, had joined the fucking mafia.
“But you can’t cut me out,” he whispered. “I will lose my fucking mind. I’ll get paranoid whenever you step outside. What if something happens to you? Am I supposed to count on our son to call me if you don’t come home one night?”
Tonight had been a fluke. I didn’t normally work with shipments during the weeks I had Trip and Ellie. Both Kellan and Finn had agreed to this. So it wasn’t going to be a regular thing. But…of course I hadn’t told West that. I hadn’t told him anything, except for enough hints to drive him bonkers.