Total pages in book: 63
Estimated words: 61180 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 306(@200wpm)___ 245(@250wpm)___ 204(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 61180 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 306(@200wpm)___ 245(@250wpm)___ 204(@300wpm)
The walls have come down, the times have changed, and I don’t just want to live in these better times—I want to embrace them. I want to celebrate them. I love living in a world where gay love stories have come out in the open. Hell, you can’t turn on the TV without seeing an LGBTQ Christmas movie or a teen ask-him-or-her-to-the-prom flick, and that is every kind of awesome. I want to be part of that movement. Sometimes I feel like that’s one of the reasons I’m here on Earth.
To tell our love story.
But I’ve never said that to Declan. I’ve never said that to anyone. Maybe it’s too big a sentiment. Too crazy a belief to say out loud—that it feels like that’s my calling.
Besides, I’m not sure how Declan would take it.
So, I keep it to myself, for now, but open the side door into the conversation. Maybe I can give him a peek at my goals. “Look, I don’t like to hide how I feel for you,” I say, putting that out there, my shoes echoing loudly throughout the hall as I walk.
“I love that you feel that way, but does that mean you have to dance with me? In public?” Those last two words—in public—come out a little strangled, but maybe it’s the phone connection. I have a feeling he’s underground, too, at the Philly ballpark.
“I kind of want to stake a claim on you in public. That’s why I want to dance with you in public,” I say, keeping my answer to his dancing question as simple as can be, focusing on the physical, though it’s a step into what I want and why I want it. “Since PDA is kind of a thing of mine,” I say, drawing a deep breath as I put that out there, “I’m a bit of an exhibitionist.”
“That doesn’t surprise me,” he says, but there’s a sliver of distance in his voice, and he doesn’t address the PDA reveal.
I file both those things away. Maybe I do need to tone down my desire to show us off. “Listen, if you’d rather stay home, we can curl up on the couch tomorrow night and watch . . . antiquing shows.”
A laugh spills across the phone line. “We are not watching antiquing shows. And yes, I get that you’re into PDA. I love that it’s one of your things. You know what else I love?”
“Tell me.”
“I love that you’d be willing to not go for me.”
“You matter more to me than my desire to kiss you in public, okay? Know that. Just know that. I never want to make you uncomfortable.”
He’s quiet for a few seconds, saying nothing.
Have I asked for too much? Even though he’s out, he’s never going to be as much of a show-off about our love life as I am. Shoes click against the floor over the phone line as voices grow louder in the background. Sounds like he’s near the locker room.
“Listen, babe. Do you know what my thing is?” he asks.
“What’s your thing?”
“Making you ridiculously happy.” Declan clears his throat. “But I need to take off. Batting practice is starting soon. I’ll be home late.”
Home.
My favorite word.
Declan is my home, and feeling that way is all I’ve ever wanted.
After we say goodbye, I send a quick text to Reese, asking if she wants to meet up after the game to handle the fashion dilemma, then I put the phone away, glad that Declan and I talked. Glad that our routine includes talking. We weren’t good at that for a long while. We had to learn to open up. But we did, and that’s why these relationship moments matter so much. They say we can do this thing—be together with crazy jobs, be together in the spotlight, live our life the way we want. But more so, these moments say we’ve conquered the demons of the past. They say we’ve got this.
It took us a long time to get here.
Five years.
Heartbreak.
Pain.
So much missing. More than I ever thought possible. The years apart were great and awful at the same time. I grew up. I grew into my goals. I became the man I wanted to be. Once I did that, my heart and my mind were ready—so damn ready—to bring love into my life in the biggest way possible.
With the only man I’ve ever loved.
Some days I think we have an embarrassment of riches. Some days it feels like we’re the luckiest guys alive. As if all the heartache is behind us and it’s only smooth sailing ahead.
Yup, I like that life. I like it a lot.
2
Declan
“Is it true?”
Holden tosses the question my way that night after a long, extra-inning game in Philly.
“That I’m the best player this team has ever seen?” I ask with a yawn.