Total pages in book: 49
Estimated words: 45328 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 227(@200wpm)___ 181(@250wpm)___ 151(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 45328 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 227(@200wpm)___ 181(@250wpm)___ 151(@300wpm)
That shit just pisses me the fuck off, but I couldn’t stand to see the hurt in her eyes. I leaned over the tub and kissed the pout off her lips. “I’ll see you later.” So much for not kissing her.
I got dressed and left in a hurry. The guilt didn’t hit until I was almost back at my place. I tried to ignore it, knowing that once I gave into it she’s got me, but it was no use.
No matter what she’d done, it wasn’t in me to mistreat her no matter how much I might tell myself I want to.
It hurt me to hurt her, but I can’t go back to that place again. I can’t leave myself open to that kind of pain. So what am I supposed to do?
When I loved her, it was the truest love I’d ever known. I literally learned what love was by loving her.
Sure I loved my parents and siblings, but that was a different kind of love. That shit was almost required unless they were total assholes, which they aren’t.
With Jillian it was the first time I ever felt my heart. She was the first person I ever put before myself in all things. The only one I couldn’t imagine living my life without.
I loved her so much, that love was like a live breathing thing inside me. I’d wanted to do so much with her, for her. And she’d fucked it all up.
It was getting easier to assuage the guilt. All I had to do was remember the divorce and how fucked up the whole thing had been and it was getting easier not to give a fuck.
The damn dog went nuts when I walked through the door. Looks like I didn’t wash her off good enough. He made a beeline for the entryway and dashed into the hallway outside my door.
The little shit set up a howl when she wasn’t there and started his shit with me like he’s been doing every day this week.
I checked his bowls to make sure his walker had taken care of him while I was gone and once I verified that all was okay went to change out of the clothes I’d worn the night before.
He followed me all over the apartment giving me disapproving looks, which I ignored. One of them a day is enough for me. I’m not dealing with her shit and his too.
When I started getting tired of my own company and that feeling of wanting to crawl out of my own skin persisted, I knew I needed to do something.
Maybe I’d jumped back into this thing too soon. As usual, she’d called and I’d jumped. As her husband I never saw it as weak.
She was mine to love and protect after all wasn’t she? But now as the man she’d thrown away I didn’t owe her shit.
And wasn’t she the one who’d wanted to fuck in the first place? I’m pretty sure that’s why she’d called me in that first time and I’d walked right into her trap.
I need a break, need to get my head on straight before she snares me with her shit again. I have to stay on top of this shit, have to be the one holding the reins or I’m out.
9
When she left me a little more than six months ago, it gutted me. I wasn’t expecting it; I thought we were good. That our relationship was even better than most.
Then one day she disappeared for days without a word and I had no idea what was going on until I was served with divorce papers.
The only reason I hadn’t called the law and filed a missing persons report is because she’d had one of her girls call me with some bullshit about her needing some time.
Since I knew I hadn’t done anything to jeopardize our marriage, I’d had days to worry and question. When I thought she might be leaving me for another man I almost lost my fucking mind.
I knew then how easy it would’ve been for me to become one of those assholes on the news, who off their ex and the new man and shit. Scared the fuck outta me. I don’t ever want to be that fucked again.
She makes me weak; the only being on this earth who ever has or ever will. I won’t let her do that shit to me again. Won’t give her the kind of power she once held over me.
And the fact that I have to keep telling myself that shit over and over again day in and day out tells me that I’m already in trouble.
I’d asked myself earlier what I should no next but it seemed clear now. I just needed some time to come to terms with my decision.
For whatever fucked up reason she’s decided to come back. If I didn’t know better I’d think she was trying to finish me off. Just reel me back in so she could destroy me completely next time.