Total pages in book: 110
Estimated words: 106798 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 534(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 356(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 106798 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 534(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 356(@300wpm)
“Let’s go, Harry,” I whisper as we follow Zach.
When the silence hurts too much, I lean my head against the window and close my eyes. The hour drive to the terminal feels like ten hours. It’s killing me to go. It would kill me to stay. There is no escaping the pain. I can only hope distance will be a salve. Work will be a distraction. And time will grant perspective.
Right now, I can’t see anything through my blinding emotions.
When his car stops at the curb, neither one of us reaches for our door handle. I’m not ready to let go, but if I’m honest, I’ll never be ready. Life doesn’t care if we’re ready. It marches on, demanding we keep pace or fall behind in a cloud of dust, suffocating in the past.
“I love you, Emersyn.”
Here they come … all the tears.
“I just…” he blows a breath out his nose “…love you.”
I wipe my eyes and climb out of the car, frantically retrieving Harry from the back seat while Zach takes his time unloading my suitcase and carry-on.
My chest feels completely crushed, stifled by … life.
Of course, he knows I’m crying, choking, clawing at my bags in a desperate attempt to get out of here, to find a breath again.
He is not my oxygen.
My heart will beat without him.
I let these words—this truth—loop in my head over and over again. It has to be my new mantra.
Maybe it’s because I’m twenty-five.
Maybe it’s because I’m a girl.
Maybe it’s because I’m a romantic.
Whatever it is … it feels like he’s a little hurt, maybe a little disappointed, and yes … a little in love with me. But it also feels like it’s too easy for him to say goodbye.
I’m not dying (at least I hope today is not my day), so I don’t expect him to mourn me leaving like he mourned losing Suzie. However, a tear, a little red emotion in his eyes, a word or two breaking under the weight of that emotion—something, anything—would make me feel loved so much more than simply saying the words.
Stupid me. I really did think all I needed was to hear him say it. I was wrong. My heart can’t hear. It can only feel.
“Text or call me when you land.”
I nod, but I can’t look at him.
He hugs me, but I can’t hug him back. I’m afraid I would never let go.
He kisses me, but I can’t kiss him back. I won’t take what no longer feels like mine.
“Em …” He holds my face and keeps us so close our noses touch.
There’s a slight agony to his voice, and I inhale it, feeding it to my heart, recording it in my soul where we keep all the tiny moments in life from when we truly feel loved.
“Touch me.” He grabs my hands and brings them to his face.
“I can’t,” I say through a strangled sob.
“Kiss me.” He presses his lips to mine again. They’re desperate and demanding. They’re everything I need. Still … if I give in, I will never leave.
“I can’t.” I pull away.
His shoulders sag inward. I hate that my need for self-preservation feels like rejection to him, but the cruelest thing we can give each other is false hope. It is a mirage, nothing but a slow death.
“I’ll let you know when I land.” I gather my things again and head toward the entrance without looking back.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
“Oh … you brought your cat.” Leah wrinkles her nose when she meets me at the back of her car to load up my suitcase … and Harry Pawter.
“Hope it’s okay. I couldn’t leave him this time.”
“Well, we won’t tell my landlord.” She winks, closing the hatchback. “But why couldn’t you leave him?”
We get into the car and fasten our seat belts. “Because I don’t know if I’m going back.”
Shooting me a wide-eyed glance, she parts her lips into an O.
I frown. “It’s not good.”
“Sorry to hear that. When do you want the bad news from me?” She pulls away from the curb into the bumper-to-bumper traffic.
“Might as well lay it on me now.”
“My mom’s struggling emotionally. I don’t know how quickly she’s going to move through the bereavement phase, but I don’t want to be too far away if she needs me. So I want to stay in the US for now … well, excluding Hawaii and Alaska.”
“That’s understandable.”
“So … are you going back for Thanksgiving?”
I shake my head. “I don’t have anyone to go back to. I’m definitely not going to be welcomed at Zach's family gathering. And you know the situation with my mom. It’s no big deal. I’m good on my own.”
“You’ll spend the holidays with me and my family. They’re dying to meet you.”
“Leah, I don’t want to intrude. I’m really grateful for your sofa. That’s plenty.”
“Don’t say that until you feel my sofa. It wasn’t purchased for comfort. It’s a beautiful prop. If you promise to behave, I’ll let you sleep with me.”