Total pages in book: 144
Estimated words: 136296 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 681(@200wpm)___ 545(@250wpm)___ 454(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 136296 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 681(@200wpm)___ 545(@250wpm)___ 454(@300wpm)
I run a hand through my damp hair and shake my head. “You know, I’ve spent so much time avoiding relationships because I was terrified to ever feel the way you do about Mom. And I sure as hell never wanted to feel about someone the way Kody feels about Lavender. That guy stewed in his own misery for more than half a decade because he was afraid he would screw her up.” I blow out a breath. “And I really had no intention of falling in love with anyone, let alone my fucking professor, but I just see the world differently. I think I always have. And I see that for all the good this career has done for you and our family, there’s another side to it. Some people can handle it all, and maybe I could, but I don’t want to.”
My dad is silent for a long while before he finally asks, “If not a career in hockey, what do you want?”
I pull a square of toilet paper free, start folding it, and give voice to the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head for a while now. “Just a normal life. I don’t deal well with the excess. I think . . . I just want to be a regular guy. I like my job at the gym, and they’ve been asking me if I want to move into management. I can see maybe wanting to open my own self-defense studio down the line. I can see myself going back to school and getting a degree in sports psychology, because it fits what I love. And I’d love to work with you, teaching kids how to play hockey—get ’em ready for the kind of future you always wanted for me.” I set the crane on the edge of the tub and lift my gaze, afraid I’m going to see his disappointment and crack.
Dad rubs his bottom lip. It’s a habit everyone in our family has, I realize. His expression doesn’t hold the emotion I worried it would. Instead, he looks sad. “I only wanted that future for you because I thought it was something you wanted. I don’t want you to feel like you have to follow this path. But I want to make sure, if you’re going to say no, that you’re doing it for the right reasons.”
“Clover and I have talked about this a lot lately. She’s been good for me on a lot of levels, even if you probably think the opposite. For a while, it felt like the only way my relationship with her would feel balanced was after I made the NHL. It’s a lot less scandalous for a professor to be dating a professional hockey player than a student. But at the same time, that would make it even more complicated, and it would put our relationship under a microscope. That’s another thing I don’t want. Not just for us, or her, but for me in general.”
“But is that the right reason to turn down an offer?” My dad shakes his head. “And I’m not telling you what you should or shouldn’t do. I’m just asking questions, so I understand where you’re coming from.”
“I don’t want to say there’s no offer out there I would entertain, but playing professionally isn’t where my heart is. When I look at my future, I don’t see me on the ice for a decade and then coaching pro, or sportscasting, or any of those things. Maybe I’m a little bit more like Aunt Lily? I know she didn’t go to the Olympics because of financial constraints, but she didn’t let that define her. She’s an amazing teacher, and I think I could be good at that. I’d rather help other people get there. I know myself, and I know how hard that life is on a family. I don’t want to be one of those guys with a semi-decent career who’s also been divorced three times because all of my relationships suffer.”
“You’ve thought this through, haven’t you?”
“This year has been eye-opening for me in a lot of ways. And I’ve loved playing for the college team. But it’s not so much because of the sport as it is because it connects me to you and to Kody. Even if by some fluke I got traded and we did wind up together, it’s unlikely we’d play on the same line. He’s on another level.”
“I keep wanting to say things like, you can get there too, but I don’t think that’s what you want to hear.”
I’ve only ever seen my dad look this helpless once before, and it shreds me in ways I don’t expect. But backtracking isn’t going to change how I feel about this.
“I might be able to get there,” I agree. “But I won’t have a life, and I won’t be happy trying to make it happen.”