Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 85029 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 425(@200wpm)___ 340(@250wpm)___ 283(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85029 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 425(@200wpm)___ 340(@250wpm)___ 283(@300wpm)
“What?”
“It’s gonna sound…” She makes a face and shakes her head. “It’s not gonna paint me in a good light.”
“What isn’t?”
“The truth.”
“Should I… promise not to hold it against you?”
“Are you that evolved? Because most people aren’t. You might say you won’t hold it against me, but then one day you’ll be mad at me.”
“What did you do?”
“To make you mad?” She raises an eyebrow.
“Yeah. What did you do to make me so mad that I would hold this truth against you in the future?”
“I… shrank your jeans.” She tries not to smile, but fails.
“Anything else?”
“I… didn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste, I’m a horrible housekeeper, maybe I even cheated on you.”
Now I raise an eyebrow.
“I’m not saying I would, I’m just saying you could be mad at me for anything. It could be small, and annoying, and unimportant. Or it could be big and life-changing. The point is, you can’t know how you will feel about me in the future and if I admit these feelings to you, one day you’re gonna look at me and that’s all you’re gonna hear inside your head.”
I reach for her, placing my hands on her hips, smiling down at her as she sighs. “It’s not fair. That’s your truth, isn’t it? This relationship we have, it’s unequal. You’re thinking… What do I get? And this isn’t the kind of person you usually are. You maybe even hate yourself a little for thinking this. But it’s true.” I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. “There’s no way around it. I’m definitely getting more out of this than you are. Not only that, I have more to lose, too. So how could you ever trust me?”
She sighs and looks down at her feet. “That’s exactly what I’m thinking.” But she takes a breath and looks back up at me. “This isn’t who I am.”
“Well, ya know what?” I hike a thumb over my shoulder to indicate whatever is happening on my back. “This isn’t who I am either.”
“And yet we are these people, Ryet. We are. And I don’t want us to start keeping score. I don’t want to constantly think about how I’m giving more than you are.”
“Well”—I kinda laugh a little—“I don’t want to constantly be thinking about how you’re always getting less. So… I guess I will just need to work on this.”
“You’ll work on what? Making me feel loved?”
“I get it. It’s not a perfect solution. But…” I take her hands and hold them in mine. “It’s worth a try. Maybe one day you’ll believe me. I guess that’s all I can hope for. I mean, what other choice do we have, Syrsee? If you’ve got a solution, let’s hear it. I’m sorry it turned out this way. I’m sorry you’re stuck with me. I’m sorry for all of it. But I need you. And that will never change.”
She nods, pressing her lips together. Her words come out even and clear. Like she’s given this some thought. “Well, I cannot give you my heart like this. So. I think we need to separate things until we can sort through all the feelings.”
“Separate things how?”
“I think we should just be friends.”
“Oh.” I turn and pace the living room, scrubbing my hands down my face as I look out another window facing the opposite side of the house. “So you want to withhold something.” I turn back to face her. “Is that what you’re saying?”
She doesn’t deny it. In fact, she nods her head. Then she confirms it out loud. “Yes. I want to withhold something. I want there to be a very clear line of what we are right now.”
“Which is what? Friends?”
She shakes her head no. “We need to start over. All the way over.”
“So you want to be food.”
“At least it’s the truth. I need this truth right now. When you feed, it can’t be intimate. It’s… a transaction, Ryet. And it has nothing to do with how we feel about each other.”
I’m actually speechless. But what can I do but agree? “OK.”
“So I’ll need my own room, and a car, and…”
“Whatever you want. That’s all fine. There are two bedrooms here. You can have your pick. We’ll go shop for a car, I’ll set up a bank account, and…” I mean, what else is there to say?
I just stop talking and shrug. Then I turn, without looking at her again, and I walk out.
4 - Syrsee
It was definitely a plan.
Iwatch Ryet through the window. He doesn’t go far, just over to the truck where he starts gathering things up from the back cab—our road trip mess. Then he’s slinging a backpack over his shoulder and heading back towards the house.
I move to the kitchen and start opening cupboards so he doesn’t think I was watching him. I’m still doing this when he comes through the door and sets the backpacks down on a chair.