Total pages in book: 60
Estimated words: 56606 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 283(@200wpm)___ 226(@250wpm)___ 189(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 56606 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 283(@200wpm)___ 226(@250wpm)___ 189(@300wpm)
Yes, I bought a crew cab Chevy truck specifically so I can keep a car seat ready for my son since from day to day I don’t know where I need to pick him up from since she never seems to keep him home anymore. Turns out its dual purpose because now, I sleep in the back bench seat. At six feet five inches, the space is cramped, but it beats being inside and having Anna screaming at me making Hollis nervous. The tension isn’t healthy for him. Being here, I’m close if he needs me and the nights she goes out, I stay in his room with him until she returns. What I won’t do is share space with her any more than necessary. We are toxic to each other. I can’t blame it all on her. We clearly have lost ourselves along the way. I gave up and checked out long ago. That isn’t fair to her. We don’t have a healthy marriage and if I get real with myself, we probably never did. We are two broken people who tried to fit our pieces together only to shatter what was left of each other in the process. There is no healing for me with her or her with me.
Today, though, today takes the cake. I told her last night I was taking Hollis to the new water slides in Emerald Isle. I even offered for her to join us when I decided this would be Hollis’s first trip there. I will do anything to have this family with her, but no matter how hard I try, she refuses. I can’t make her love me. I can’t make her want this life with me. She makes it clear day in and out, us being a family is not her future. How much more can I try just to be hit with a brick wall named Anna? She doesn’t want things to be easy between us. It has to be her way or not at all. Life doesn’t work that way for anyone. I thought with this being Hollis’ first time at a big water slide, she wouldn’t want to miss it. I know I certainly wouldn’t miss it for anything if the roles were reversed.
I was wrong.
How much longer do I hold onto hope that she will be the mom I know she’s capable of being? The woman I fell in love with seems a lifetime away. The caring, compassionate, supportive girl I adored is gone. Did I have blinders on when we were teens? Did I imagine she was this kind person? I can’t even remember the good times. How did we get here? The years pass and nothing improves, only this hole we have dug is now a full-on trench keeping us separated. The woman I’m left with is self-centered, miserable, and hateful like I never thought possible. I know she loves Hollis, but it’s in her way. And her way means Anna comes first not our son.
He has begged to do this for a while. If I had to miss it, I would be devastated. Yet, the woman who carried him and birthed him isn’t concerned with his experience. She’s standing here having a pissing match with me. It wasn’t her idea, therefore she’s ready to sabotage it any way she can including ruining my mood. Even though she knows he loves water and has begged for a day spent at the slides, she is solely focused on herself.
Last summer, Maritza signed Hollis up for swim lessons and my boy is a damn fish it seems. He loves all things swimming. Every time we drive by, he wants to go to the Salty Pirate Water Slides. The way they are up so high they can’t be missed especially since they aren’t far off the main highway. I finally have a day off with sunshine, no rain, and nothing that is pressing to do around the house. It is the perfect window of opportunity, and I won’t let it pass me up.
Adulting is hard because there is always a job that needs doing, but he’s only little once. The jobs will wait, giving my son my time and attention is far more important. I think being a parent only makes my childhood experience a little harder to understand. I can’t imagine missing time with Hollis. Yet, my mother walked away and never looked back. I struggle to see how Anna can disconnect from our son like she does.
It’s funny how as children we can’t wait to grow up, then we grow up and find out it comes with huge responsibilities, especially when you have kids. Those responsibilities are sometimes like the weight of the world. Nothing is simple anymore as you get older. Days like today, I want to have the easy moments and make the memories. The bills will still come, the tasks will still wait, and the fights with Anna I’m sure will continue even if I check out to do this with my kid.