Total pages in book: 106
Estimated words: 99949 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 500(@200wpm)___ 400(@250wpm)___ 333(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 99949 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 500(@200wpm)___ 400(@250wpm)___ 333(@300wpm)
“We spent a long time just talking about random memories. I had the syringe in my hand with another one ready to go on the nightstand if he needed it, but he was the one who needed to say if and when he was ready. I didn’t try to talk him out of it because I knew there was no hope of him living a life that wasn’t filled with excruciating pain as he withered away in a bed somewhere. He’d never get to drive a car or go to a concert or hang out with friends. He’d never get to pick a college, a career, a place to settle down and have a family. His life would consist of endless drugs, shitting in a colostomy bag because he couldn’t even be moved to a bathroom without wanting to die then and there from the pain, let alone the humiliation. There was no true way of being able to put myself in his shoes, but it didn’t matter. He was my little brother. My job was to protect him. To save him. I couldn’t do that, but I could give him peace.”
I closed my eyes as I remembered the scene that day. I must have been quiet for too long because Theo whispered in my ear, “Finish it, my love.”
Under normal circumstances I would have been completely hung up on the endearment, but nothing was normal anymore. I was back in that cabin with the pretty view and my tormented brother trying desperately not to move even an inch because it would cause searing pain to consume his broken body.
“He was scared,” I began. “I think he was more scared that it wouldn’t work, or that he’d feel himself dying. I don’t think he was afraid of what would happen afterwards because he believed in God and heaven and knew he’d be in a place where he’d finally be free. I knew the morphine wouldn’t take long to do its job and I told him that he’d just feel tired and drift off. He told me he loved me, and he thanked me and promised he’d always be with me. Then he told me to put the needle in the port and he’d do the rest. He reminded me to edit the video so there’d be no proof that I’d helped him in any kind of way. I didn’t give a shit about the fact that his phone was still recording everything, so I injected the needle and began pushing the morphine. Rabbit tried to argue with me about letting him do it, but I knew he wouldn’t have the strength to push the plunger. I… I…”
It felt like my heart was cleaving in two as I spoke, and it was only Theo’s strong arms tightening around me that gave me the strength to keep going.
“I told him to shut up and reminded him I was the older brother and he had to do what I said. He smiled because I’d said the same thing to him from the moment I’d gotten home and taken over his care. That smile… that goddamn fucking beautiful smile stayed on his lips even as his eyes grew heavy. I pushed the rest of the morphine and then climbed into bed with him and turned him so I could wrap my arms around him and hold him. I knew by then that the morphine would have already taken most of his pain away. I could feel him holding on to me for a long time, almost like he was trying to fight it, so I kept telling him over and over that it was okay to let go. The whole thing only took a couple minutes, but it felt too long and too fast at the same time. But seeing him at peace with that smile still on his lips…” I shook my head because I didn’t really know how to explain the rest. There were some things I doubted I’d ever be able to explain.
Theo didn’t seem to need an explanation because he just clung to me. One hand was cradling the back of my neck while the other one was running up and down my lower back.
“Take deep breaths, baby,” Theo reminded me. I didn’t even realize I’d been holding my breath until he said the words. I began the arduous task of returning to the present. The breaths came easier than I expected and any tears I’d shed had dried up. The pain inside still felt like it was ripping me in two and I instinctively tried to crush it down, but when he whispered, “Let go, Lincoln. I’ve got you,” that pain came rushing to the surface.
I clung to Theo as sob after sob racked my entire body. I shed every tear, screamed every howl of pain, and released all the rage I’d been hanging on to from the moment I’d returned home expecting to find my nearly full-grown little brother becoming a man only to learn he’d suffered more in one minute than I had in all those years of combat.