Total pages in book: 155
Estimated words: 142916 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 715(@200wpm)___ 572(@250wpm)___ 476(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 142916 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 715(@200wpm)___ 572(@250wpm)___ 476(@300wpm)
“Feel my heart, o jelä sielamak.” He pressed her palm over the heavy muscles of his chest, directly over his beating heart. “Feel the rhythm and match your heartbeat to mine.”
For a brief moment, there was tension in her arm and hand. Resistance. When he realized she wasn’t used to being touched or comforted, he found the need to do just that. Unable to resist the temptation, he searched the memories of her childhood. Her mother and Tora were the only two constants he could find in her life. Neither woman was the type to hold a crying child and soothe her when she was hurt. Fenja was loving but matter-of-fact, seizing every fall or mishap to use as a teaching moment. Tora was the same because she was responsible for ensuring Silke survived each battle with demons.
Both women were affectionate in their mannerisms toward Silke while she grew up, but they weren’t ever going to hug her tight and kiss her better. Some children were okay with little sentiment, but Silke wasn’t one of those children. She had secretly longed for those things. It was one of the reasons she gravitated toward the children in the village. Most of them wanted hugs, and Silke was happy to provide for them.
He filed that knowledge of her away, knowing it was an important part of her personality. As her lifemate, determined to do his best for her, he would have to learn to provide the things she needed. Silke was no longer aware she yearned for the closeness of touch, but he saw it clearly. And she wasn’t ready to let go of her mother.
Her heart settled into the rhythm of his, following his slower, steadier beat. He took the opportunity to slide the pad of his thumb over the back of her hand as he pressed her palm into his chest. Heat seared him. That small palm felt like a brand sinking through his skin and muscle to claim his heart. The sensation was so strong he looked inside himself expecting to see her name stamped across his heart.
“I will examine Fenja this night after we complete the lifemate ceremony.”
Her heart, connected to his, jumped but then steadied. “Fenja is a powerful seer. It is possible she will know your intention,” she cautioned.
He noticed she avoided the subject of him claiming her as his lifemate. Not only did she avoid it verbally, but she shied completely away from it in her thoughts. The moment the topic rose in her mind, she slammed that door shut fast.
“Fenja is your mother, Silke, and a wise woman. An elder. I would not disrespect her by trying to keep her in the dark about what I’m doing.”
“And if she refuses?” Silke lifted her eyes to his, gaze steady. “What then?”
“Then I consult with you on what you would have me do. I can examine her without her knowledge if it was deemed by you to be necessary. I would not like to go against her wishes, but to make you comfortable with her situation, I would do it for you. I would do my best to persuade her, letting her know you’d rather face the truth.”
Her gaze wavered and she looked down. Her fingers curled into his shirt, fisting over his heart. “I would hope I have the courage to face the truth, Benedek. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if I lose Fenja. I’ll be so lost.”
I know it is not much compensation or reassurance for you at this time, but you will have me. My unswerving loyalty.
Benedek stayed quiet in her mind, reading her panicked thoughts. Fenja loved her. Silke wouldn’t have love if she lost her mother. She was well aware Benedek didn’t believe he could love her. She knew she was trading duty and loyalty for an eternity without love. He wanted to reassure her, but he didn’t think himself capable of feeling love. He had never experienced it. Never known what it was like even as a child to love or be loved.
“Silke, the problem doesn’t lie with you. I’m the one incapable of feeling such an emotion. Our children will love you because you’ll teach them what love is. I want that for them and for you.”
“Why do you think you’re so incapable of love, Benedek?”
He winced at the direct question and slight ache in her voice. He’d promised himself he’d be honest with her—as honest as possible.
“I wasn’t around loving people even as a child. I can show you memories, Silke, but be warned, they are filled with violence, betrayal and my near death. Coming back from this”—he touched his fingers to the circle around his neck—“let me just say, coming back was a nightmare all by itself.”
“You would show me?”
“Reliving it would not be my first choice, but if it helps you to understand me and my…deficiencies, then I will allow you to access those memories.”