Total pages in book: 125
Estimated words: 121576 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 608(@200wpm)___ 486(@250wpm)___ 405(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 121576 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 608(@200wpm)___ 486(@250wpm)___ 405(@300wpm)
“She tried to tell me.” His voice grew quiet. “In a way, she did. I just didn’t listen to her.” His jaw twitched, as if he was clenching his teeth or grinding them. He looked out at the boxes again. “I didn’t realize it at first. I know now. I’ve known, and this shit is still in here. I’ve avoided everything because I’m terrified to deal with it. I don’t know how to deal with it.”
His vulnerability drew me nearer. I stepped closer, fingers knotting together at my stomach so I wouldn’t reach out. The urge to hold on to him again overwhelmed me, but I didn’t know if I could do that. I didn’t know if I should. I considered us friends at this point. Or at the very least friendly. If I needed comfort and Nathan offered it, I wouldn’t think it was strange or wrong. So why was I holding back with him? I shouldn’t. Still, I did. I kept hesitating. But I wouldn’t stand there and remain silent. I knew how I felt about this, and I wanted him to know it too.
“You’re dealing with it now, right? You’re changing your schedule so you can spend more time with Marley—”
“After avoiding her for most of her life,” he interrupted. Our eyes met. “I checked out, Jenna. You see how much I’m gone—I’ve done that for nearly two years.”
“There’s no rule book on how you should grieve, Nathan. You did it the right way for you.”
“How was this the right way?”
“You made sure Marley was taken care of. She had your parents, right? She’s a very loved little girl. I can tell. You cared enough to make sure she was getting that when not all fathers go to those lengths. Some don’t even ask about their kids. I understand being angry or ashamed about how long you took to get here, but you’re here now. And that’s going to be what matters to Marley.”
Nathan’s chest heaved with slow, heavy breaths. He didn’t speak, and I wondered if he was waiting for more, for something else to reassure him. I thought about his humiliation when I asked about the pictures, about the boxes still being in here. How he couldn’t answer every question I had about Marley yet.
I knew what he was waiting for.
I quit fighting and second-guessing and finally reached out, squeezing that same spot on his wrist I’d touched before.
“You’re not too late. Not for any of this,” I said.
He blinked hard after I spoke, dropping his head.
“I promise, Nathan. You aren’t.”
“I want that to be true,” he nearly whispered.
“I know. And that’s another thing that’s going to matter. Not all fathers would be worried they’d missed their chance.”
Nathan looked at me then. His eyes searched my face. “Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”
I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to talk about Derek, not now. This wasn’t about him. So I pulled my hand back and shrugged, playing it down.
“I don’t know what to tell Marley about Sadie.” His voice was pained. “If she asks about her, what am I supposed to say?”
“You could tell her how much Sadie loved her,” I suggested. “And you could always share your memories. I think Marley would love to hear anything you want to share.”
His throat rolled with a swallow. He suddenly looked overwhelmed with worry. “Yeah, but what about…you know, what happened. What am I supposed to say about that?”
“Nathan, I think you’ll know when it’s the right time to talk to Marley about that. And I also think you’ll know exactly what to say. But if you don’t, there’s always help. You could go see a therapist together. There’s grief counseling for families. You and Marley…you share this loss. This is something you can help each other get through.”
He looked away, silent for a moment, then met my eyes again. “Do you think she remembers her mom?”
“How old was she when…?”
“Two months.”
“I don’t.” I paused, shaking my head. God, she was so young. “I really don’t know. I’d like to think she does.”
“Yeah…me too.” Nathan smiled weakly and rubbed at the back of his neck. “Thank you for saying all of that. I needed to hear it.”
“You don’t need to thank me.”
“Still…” He seemed to think carefully about his next words, dropping his arm. “Why do I always feel better after talking to you?”
I smiled softly. That was nice to hear. “Well, we’re usually talking about Marley, so…”
“Is that it?” he asked.
Nathan stepped away, peering back at me briefly before he put his focus on one of the boxes on the floor in front of the bed. He began to rifle through it.
I willed my fast-beating heart to slow.
Was that it? It was, right? Before he asked that question I would’ve thought yes, without a doubt. But now, if he was questioning it, I wasn’t sure how to answer.