Total pages in book: 80
Estimated words: 77874 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 389(@200wpm)___ 311(@250wpm)___ 260(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 77874 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 389(@200wpm)___ 311(@250wpm)___ 260(@300wpm)
There is no me without her. Where is she? Who am I?
What have I done?
“Stop. I’ll get her, East. I promise you, I’ll get her.”
And then…nothing. It’s like everything inside me shuts off. Somehow, I’m on the dock. I don’t know how Morgan did that.
Flash.
She’s there, lying on the dock. Not breathing. Not speaking.
I wrap my arms around her. “Ella! Wake up. Don’t go. Please don’t go. Not without me.”
Morgan pushes me out of the way and does chest compressions. “Go call 911!”
I can’t move. Can’t leave her.
“Easton! Go now!”
I run into the house, tears streaming down my face, soul gone. I call, then go back to Ella. Morgan is still trying to get her heart to start, trying to help her breathe while he’s crying.
It doesn’t work. The EMTs try to take her, but I cling to her, whispering in my head over and over that I’ll never, ever let her go. They try to ask me questions, but I can’t speak. A nice woman tries to hug me, tells me it will be okay, but it will never be okay again.
I’ll never let her go, I vow silently to myself.
“East! Wake up. Sweetheart, you’re having a nightmare.”
My eyes jerk open. My face is wet, chest heaving, stomach clenched so tight it hurts….and Archer is there, panic and worry and…he’d told me earlier he loved me. I should have said it back. I should have acknowledged it, but I was scared. He’s here, always here, clinging to me, afraid for me, there for me.
And all I can do is burst into tears. He pulls me into his arms, lies back with me tucked into his embrace. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, East. I’ve got you. I’ve always got you.”
I hold on to him too, grab him and don’t want to let go, the same way I hadn’t with Ella that day. He’s the first person since her I’ve held and known that I can’t let go of.
“I’m here. I love you. I’ve got you.”
He talks to me while I cry, while without words I spill a lifetime of pain onto his chest with my tears. Time passes. Maybe thirty minutes or thirty hours, but Archer doesn’t ever loosen his hold, doesn’t ever stop showing me he’s there for me, until eventually there’s no more tears left in me.
“It was my fault. Ella…it was my fault she died.”
“You were a kid, East. It was an accident. That’s not your fault.”
“I told her where to hide,” I admit, so damn ashamed. “I walked her over, helped her in. Left her.”
He tilts my head so I look at him, Archer on his back and me half on my side and chest. “It still wasn’t your fault. It’s the worst thing that could have happened to you, but it was an accident. Maybe she would have decided to hide there anyway, or maybe if she hadn’t, something bad would have happened another way. It sucks, but that’s life sometimes. That doesn’t mean it was your fault. It was a tragedy, and I hate that you experienced it, but you can’t punish yourself for an accident.”
“It should have been me.”
He stiffens beneath me. “No. Don’t say that.”
“Everyone knows it should have been me. My own father says it. He’s told me more than once. I’m a disgrace. I’m fucked up. Hell, if you ask him, I’m not even a Swift anymore. He said so himself. He blames me for Mom and for Ella. All I do is drag people down, and if you were smart, you’d get the fuck away from me before I drag you down too!”
I try to pull away again, but Archer doesn’t let go of me, just keeps proving that no matter what, he’ll always be there. I don’t have it in me to put up much of a fight, so I just melt against him, let myself have this, even though I’m still unsure how to deserve it.
“Does your dad… Has he really said those things to you?”
“I told you he hates me, Arch. He’s always hated me. He loves Rhett because Rhett did everything in his power to be just like him, to make him happy. He loves Morgan because he’s smart and accomplished and maybe because of how much Mom loved Morgan. Rhett used to tell me how close they were. He loved Ella because she was the baby girl Mom always wanted, the dream child. I was the extra, and I’ve never been what he wanted. The fact that he didn’t care about me at all turned to hate after Ella.”
Archer’s hold on me tightens, his body vibrating like he can hardly contain himself.
“Fuck Gregory for saying those things to you. Something is wrong with him, East. Not you. Christ, I want to fucking kill him for making you feel that way.” He breathes in and out for a moment, as if trying to get himself under control. “Look at me,” he commands. When I don’t, he says, “Look at me,” again, his voice too hurt for me to deny him.