Total pages in book: 161
Estimated words: 149338 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 747(@200wpm)___ 597(@250wpm)___ 498(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 149338 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 747(@200wpm)___ 597(@250wpm)___ 498(@300wpm)
“I don’t know, baby. You’ll keep me warm.”
I happily nodded, smiling again, kissing the palm of her hand.
“You’re such a good girl, Lexi. I don’t know what I did to deserve such an amazing daughter. I love you so much,” she declared, kissing my head.
I felt tears fall onto my neck, as she squeezed me harder.
“Momma, are you crying?” I tried to turn to look at her, but she wouldn’t let me. As if it pained her to have me see her like that.
“I wasn’t always like this, baby. I remember the day I had you. It was the happiest day of my life, Lexi. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. I used to spend hours just holding you tight, staring into your bright green eyes. So proud that you were mine. I think that’s why you like to snuggle so much with me now.” She let out a small chuckle between the tears. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry for everything. You deserve a better mommy than I’ve been to you. I wish I could change things. I wish I could be what you deserve,” she cried into my hair.
“Shhh… It’s okay, Momma. You can still change. I know you can. I’m here to help you get better. We can start a routine together, get you out of the house more.”
“I love you, Lexi. I need you to always remember that, my sweet girl. Please remember that. You are such a strong little girl.”
“I know, Momma. I love you too. You will be better after my recital. I know it will make you smile, and proud. You’ll want to come to all of them. I just know it. I can’t wait for you to see me up on the big stage. I wish it were tomorrow.”
She cried harder. Sobs wreaked havoc on her body, shaking the entire bed.
“Momma, please don’t cry. I hate it when you cry. It hurts my heart too much,” I said, my voice breaking. Tears began to form in my eyes. It wasn’t easy seeing and feeling her break down, unable to do anything for her. Unable to stop the pain that always took her away from me.
“I’m so sorry, Lexi. For all the pain I caused you,” she sobbed.
“Momma, you know I’ll forgive you for anything. I promise. For anything,” I cried right along with her, unable to control the emotions soaring through me. I would do anything to take her pain away.
“I love you so much, baby. Don’t ever forget that. Not for one day.”
“I know, Momma, I know.” I fervently nodded as she kissed all over the top of my head. Her skin was still freezing cold. “I’m going to get another blanket. I think you’re getting sick.” I tried to get up, but she held me firmer.
“No. Don’t leave. All I need is you. Just you.”
“Okay…” Something wasn’t right but I stayed, giving her what she needed.
I’d wait for her to fall asleep, and then I’d go get another blanket for us. I knew my warmth wasn’t enough. She cried a little longer, but eventually her breathing became shallow, I could barely hear it. Her deep sleep took me under too, and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep with her.
I woke up the next morning in the same position as the night before, except only my mom’s heavy arm lay draped across my stomach.
My eyes fluttered open, the sun shining bright on my face from the window by her bed.
“Momma,” I groggily said, wiping sleep from my eyes. “Maybe we should do something fun today. We could go to the park, get you some fresh air. It looks like it’s a pretty day outside.”
It was always hard for me to get her up in the morning. She slept like a rock. A bomb could go off in the house and she would stay asleep. I heard my stepdad yelling at her all the time, to stop taking so many pills. They weren’t good for her.
I rolled over, still half asleep into the nook of her arm, gently laying my arm across her. She was even colder than she was last night, but now she felt so stiff too. My arm laid motionless, not rising and falling as she breathed in and out.
“Momma?” I peered up at the side of her face, my eyes opening wide. “Momma!” Sitting straight up, I took in her pale white complexion. Her lips slightly open with a bluish-purple hue to them. “Momma! Momma!” I got up on my knees, shaking her as hard as I could. She didn’t move. “Momma!” I shook her again. “Why aren’t you moving? Why aren’t you waking up?” I placed my head over her heart.
Nothing.
I put my hand over her mouth. “Momma! Why aren’t you breathing?”