Total pages in book: 150
Estimated words: 136791 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 684(@200wpm)___ 547(@250wpm)___ 456(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 136791 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 684(@200wpm)___ 547(@250wpm)___ 456(@300wpm)
Cade
Istand at the bottom of January's steps for a long time, trying to process her confession. There's so much to unpack there. I'm not even sure where to begin. All I know is that she still wants me. She thinks I stopped kissing her because I don't want her.
I only stopped because I knew if I didn't, I never would again.
I'm not good for her. She doesn't even understand how badly I fucked up back when it mattered. Back when it could have made a difference. I had the whole world in the palm of my hand, but I destroyed us all.
I pull my phone out of my pocket.
"Where you at?" Roman asks as soon as he answers. "You were supposed to be here half an hour ago."
"I'm…fuck. I can't help you tonight," I tell him, staring at January's front door like it holds the answers to all the important questions in the universe. "I can't leave her."
"January?" he asks, his voice soft.
"Tell me to walk away before I ruin her life," I say. I think I'm begging. Because if he doesn't talk me down, I'm not going to be strong enough to do it. And once she knows the truth, she'll realize I'm the last thing she needs, exactly like I told her. But she'll still be the only goddamn thing in this world that I need. Just like she always has been.
I've been living in the dark for years. She was the light in my life, the peace. All I want is to feel it again. So badly I'm not strong enough to resist the way it beckons me, whispering that everything will be just fine when I know damn well that it won't. Still…I need it. Even if it's just for a minute. Even if it can't last…I need it. Need her.
"I can't tell you what to do, Michael," Roman says. That's the first time he's ever called me by my first name. Hell, no one calls me by my first name. They haven't in years. It's one more fucking thing that hurts too goddamn badly. "But I will tell you that even if it's fucking hard, if you love her, finding a way to make it work is worth it. If she matters to you…it's worth it."
"Fuck." He's no help. Why did I think asking a man in love to throw me a life preserver would be a good idea? Of fucking course he's all rainbows and kittens. He's worthy of calling himself a cop, of being happy, and all that good shit. Me? Not so much.
I killed three people in cold blood, and I don't regret it. Don't regret any of the ones I've killed since then, either. Every single one since has been in the line of duty because this world is kill or be killed, and I didn't have a choice. But those three? Yeah, I could have walked away. I chose not to do it. Given the chance to do it over, I'd make the same decision.
I hang up the phone and shove it back into my pocket.
"Go help Roman like you said you would, deal with Kaleo, and leave January the fuck alone," I mutter to myself. But I don't listen. Of fucking course I don't. Because I'm a selfish bastard, and January is my goddamn kryptonite.
My hands shake as I jog up the wooden steps to her front door. The heavy wood rattles beneath my fist from the force of my knock. My mind screams at me to turn around and walk away. But then the door flies open, and she's standing there. She's so heartbreakingly beautiful with those bright green eyes filled to the brim with hope and her lips forming my name like a kiss.
I'm lost. Damned.
Please, God, don't let me destroy her, I pray silently. Don't let me ruin her life all over again.
"You're wrong," I blurt out, my pulse pounding so hard I'm sure she can probably hear it. "You think I don't want you, but I'm so fucking hard for you that it hurts. I've wanted nothing but you since the day I left. You think you weren't living without me? I was in hell without you. I'm still in hell." My breath comes in a desperate rasp, and my hands shake. My whole body is shaking. "Every goddamn day without you was torture, but I fucking loved the way it hurt because I didn't want to forget…to forget…"
"To forget what?" she whispers when I stumble over the words, not sure how to explain to her that even though she haunted me, I didn't want to forget her.
Because even when I didn't have her, even when I was certain I'd never step foot in this city again because I couldn't face being here without her…she still had me. She still had every fucking piece of me.