Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83908 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 420(@200wpm)___ 336(@250wpm)___ 280(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83908 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 420(@200wpm)___ 336(@250wpm)___ 280(@300wpm)
“Should I not have said anything?” Mads asks.
He shouldn’t have had to say anything, and I’m pissed at myself that he had to, but I get it now, and I’m going to fix it.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Hayes
I wake up to a voicemail from Rylan, which I’m totally not listening to—at least not yet. In the few months I’ve known him, he never left me a voicemail, and I’m inclined to believe it can’t be good news that he’s leaving one now.
I have a busy day with meetings at work, and the last thing I need is to be off my game because I’m nursing a broken heart.
So, work first.
Rylan’s breakup message second.
Because clearly that’s what it is, and yes, I’m negative as hell, but history hasn’t been on my side for this kind of thing.
But then, would he break up with me before the season is over? Do I want him to stick with me just because he doesn’t want to risk his weird logic that he’ll win the cup because of me?
I should have known that him calling me when he knew I’d be asleep was an omen for the day to come, but nothing prepares me for going home after a long, stressful day of work to see Malcolm waiting outside my building. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, my stomach instantly nauseous.
“What are you doing here?” My voice cracks, and I hate that sound, hate the way I suddenly feel small seeing him again. Is this how I felt when we were together? Did he make me feel small the whole time? The fact is, he did, and I forced myself to ignore that. I ignored it because I thought he liked me, and I needed that so damn much at the time, so I accepted his shitty behavior. Accepted the way he made me feel.
“Can we talk?” he asks, voice soft and meeker than I’ve ever heard him.
“I have nothing to say to you. Frankly, I’d hoped to never see you again.”
Malcolm grabs my arm when I try to walk around him toward the glass doors of my building. “Please, Hayes. It’s important.”
His skin against mine feels wrong, makes me shiver but not in a sexy way, like a horror-movie way, when you realize the bad guy is someone you trusted and you’re alone with them. Malcolm is a bad guy. I can see it, feel it. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before, but it’s clear as day now. “No.” I stand my ground.
He looks around, noticing we’re alone. My building entrance is on a quieter side of the street, some cars passing, sure, but not a lot of people walking by.
I pull my arm from Malcolm’s hold, just as he says, “I miss you,” and I freeze.
Right after everything went down, I would have loved to hear him say that. Wanted to find out it was some kind of mistake. That he chose me, wanted me. But as I stand here and look at him, I can’t figure out why I’d needed him to want me so much. He never made me feel good, not the way Rylan does. Sure, Ry’s not perfect, and I don’t totally know where we stand, but Rylan has always been good to me. He builds me up instead of tearing me down. He enjoys spending time with me. I turn him on. I make him laugh.
Those truths do their job, breaking through the walls I’ve fortified inside myself. The ones that tell me I’m not worth it, the ones that assume the worst when it comes to Rylan because I’ve spent my life with low self-esteem and that’s why Malcolm targeted me. He chose me because he’s a terrible person and preys on others, and there isn’t and has never been anything wrong with me.
And I’m so damn tired of telling myself there is.
I’m so damn tired of expecting the worst. Of accepting bad behavior. Of being afraid to show what I want and taking control. There have been times I’ve done it with Rylan, but the fear always creeps back in, and standing here, looking at Malcolm, I decide I’m not going to fall back into that habit. That I want more, and the only person who can make that happen is me.
Not him. Not even Rylan.
And despite really, really wanting Rylan and being crazy in love with him, if we don’t work out, that won’t be because there’s something wrong with me either.
Clarity is fucking awesome.
“No, you don’t miss me. You miss the person I used to be, the one you tried to keep me. You miss the person you want me to be, not because there’s any kindness in your heart either, but because you want control. You want to feel powerful, and hurting other people makes you feel that.” I shake my head and shrug. “I’m not playing your game anymore, Malcolm. I don’t need or want someone like you in my life. I have this really great guy, sweet, sexy, caring, and I still can’t help doubting him all the time—and more than that, I can’t help doubt me, and I can’t blame that totally on you. I was like that before I met you, but you groomed that part of me. You watered it and made it grow. And now I’m digging out those roots. I don’t need them, and I don’t need you. Don’t ever come here again.”