Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 100750 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 504(@200wpm)___ 403(@250wpm)___ 336(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 100750 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 504(@200wpm)___ 403(@250wpm)___ 336(@300wpm)
She knelt and rested her chin on her hands. Despite death, Rafe was still handsome. She ran her fingers through his hair, not caring about the gel and hair spray the mortician had used to keep it in place. It was never coiffed perfectly, and it didn’t make sense for it to be now. Besides, no one would remember that Rafe Karlsson had had messy hair in his casket. She would, however, remember what her husband looked like before the funeral director closed the casket.
“Would you look at you,” she said, trying to find some humor in the moment. “I’ve never seen you look so still in all the years I’ve known you. I hope you’re doing anything but being still wherever you are, my love. Just please, no more running.” She didn’t wipe her tears this time. She needed to cry, needed to feel the tightness in her throat, in her chest. She needed the pain to remind her she was still alive and had two tiny humans depending on her.
“God, I miss you so fucking much.” She choked on a sob. “I don’t understand why you were taken from me. From us. What did we do to deserve this?”
There would never be a satisfactory answer.
Nothing would ever make sense to her.
“I want to wake up from this nightmare and find you lying next to me in bed, loving me. I want to look into your eyes and see that you love me, to hear your voice again telling me everything’s going to be okay, and to feel your arms wrapped around me while we sway to the music in our heads. Those are the things I want right now. Tomorrow they’ll be the same, except I won’t get to say them to you because your body will be gone.” Nadia slumped against the casket. “This is the last time I get to see your handsome face, get to touch your strong hands, get to run my fingers through your hair. They’re going to take you from me again, and there isn’t anything I can do to stop them.
“I love you, Rafe,” she said to him. “And I’m failing without you by my side. I don’t know how to be me without you. I don’t know how to be a single parent and raise our girls the way we discussed raising them. They’re hurting, baby. Our strong babies are in so much pain. We all are. We just want you back.”
“Mrs. Karlsson.” Mr. Mahar, the funeral director, cleared his throat and waited. When she didn’t answer him, he continued. “The rest of the family are here.”
Nadia nodded and waited for him to leave. She trailed her fingers down Rafe’s face and then did what she never thought she’d do—she leaned forward and kissed him. “I love you,” she told him again before she stepped away.
She found Mr. Mahar in the hallway, waiting for her. “You can let them in. I need to freshen up.” She made her way to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. The woman who looked back wasn’t the Nadia she knew. No, that woman was long gone and was unlikely to return.
With a steady breath, she returned to the parlor, where her family members were saying goodbye to Rafe. She sought out her girls and went to them, taking each one by the hand. They would go last, before the public came in.
“Mommy, there are a lot of people outside for Daddy,” Gemma told her. Nadia leaned forward to look out the window and saw a line of people.
“Daddy will appreciate that they came to say goodbye.”
Gemma nodded, while Lynnea clung to Nadia’s side. She tugged on her mother’s skirt. “I want to go home.”
“I know, sweetie.” No one wanted to be there. “All of this is almost over.” And then they would have to find a way to heal.
When it was the girls’ turn to say goodbye, they climbed the small steps in front of the casket. At first, Lynnea was adamant she didn’t want to see him, but Nadia taught her about remorse, and how if she didn’t take the opportunity, she might regret it later. After the wake, she wouldn’t have another chance, unless she looked at his photos.
Somehow, Nadia held it together while the girls said their goodbyes. They moved to the side, with Nadia at the front of the receiving line, Gemma next to her, and then Lynnea. Reuben stood behind his nieces, ready to whisk them away when they were tired of shaking hands and hugging strangers. Otto and Cleo stood next to Lynnea, followed by Freya, Lars, and their children. The Boltons stood in the back of the room, ready to greet the people they knew.
“Mrs. Karlsson, are you ready?”
Nadia shook her head. “Unfortunately.”
Kiran came in first, making eye contact with Nadia before turning toward the casket. When he got to the receiving line, he pulled her into his arms and wept. Nadia gasped. Kiran hadn’t done this the other night when they were at the house, when he’d held her. He’d been strong for her, and now she felt as if she needed to be strong for him.