Total pages in book: 115
Estimated words: 107630 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 538(@200wpm)___ 431(@250wpm)___ 359(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 107630 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 538(@200wpm)___ 431(@250wpm)___ 359(@300wpm)
Instead, it’s another cautionary tale, of men who aren’t what they seem and stupid girls who believe them anyway.
I won’t be her. I refuse to be that girl. I ignored so many red flags with Roy, sweeping them under the rug and pretending things were perfect, and all it did was make me small, sad, and alone. This thing with Ben isn’t even a red flag. It’s a glaringly bright neon light shining directly into my eyes, impossible to ignore. If he can be this deceitful this easily, there’s no coming back from that. There’s no pretending I haven’t seen behind the curtain, and I don’t want to pretend anymore anyway.
I want real. I want passion. I want vulnerability and safety. I want adventure and fun. And I thought I’d found it all in one Ben-shaped package.
Now I’ll never say his name again. Oh, I’ll whisper it to myself as I fall asleep, sobbing into my pillow. But I need to continue this journey back to me. Ben’s been instrumental, literally picking me up out of the dirt to get me started, and I’ll always be thankful for that, but the next phase is going to be all mine.
I’ll be strong. I’ll be bold. I’ll expect more from myself and from others. I’ll set boundaries. I’ll use my voice to express who I am, what I feel, and what I want. I will take back the power I’ve given to Roy and then to Ben, seeing myself through their eyes instead of through my own.
I will become the best version of myself. Alone.
And I will stand proudly. Alone.
Until I’m ready to trust again.
I won’t give up on love entirely. But I won’t go in so blindly optimistic. I’ll have walls that’ve been constructed on damaged soil, and it’ll take someone special for me to risk building a future with them. One day, I’ll find him. And it won’t be easy, but I’ll do it right and create a foundation for a happy life, just the way my parents did.
That day is not today.
“I didn’t want to tell you like this, but I love you, Hope. I love you.” His dark eyes bore into mine, pleading with me to understand and believe. His fingers grip the flesh of my hips like he’s reassuring himself that I’m still within his grasp.
But I’m not.
“It’s not enough. I can’t do this.” I move a hand between the two of us. “Maybe we just got carried away.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t make it seem like this is less than it is.”
“Was. What it was.”
I see the realization sinking in, watch as it sinks to the rock bottom of his heart, feel the moment all breath leaves him.
“You should go, Ben.”
He doesn’t move for a long minute, his eyes tracing over my face. It feels like he’s memorizing me for posterity. He gets up from the floor and walks to the door, his shoulders drooping for a moment before squaring again. He pauses there, his back to me and his hand on the knob. “I love you. Not loved—love.”
With that, he walks out, leaving the door open, and I can’t help but watch the way his strides eat up the hallway floor, taking him farther and farther away. I have a moment of weakness and almost call out, but I shove that stupidity down. I need to be better than this. I am better than this.
But then the tears come again, washing away all my strength, all my resolve, until I’m nothing more than a messy train wreck in the corner of Joy’s couch.
Chapter 27
HOPE
Two Weeks Later
I stumble into Dr. Payne’s office, flicking on the lights. I’m the first one here, same as I’ve been for the last week or so—not because I’m glad to be back at work, but because I toss and turn all night, waiting for the sun to rise, when it’ll be slightly more reasonable to go to work. My time off was far from the perfect honeymoon I’d planned, but my vacation’s over, and I have to get out of bed, out of the house, and mostly, out of my mind.
And despite the gratuitous amounts of coffee I’ve been drinking, I’ve been a zombie, merely going through the motions of life.
There’s pain and heartache, but I’ve felt it so deeply, wallowing in it, that I think my brain has finally shut off all my emotions to protect me from myself. I’ve moved beyond tears and into action, willing myself to be better through self-care.
I cleaned out my room, taking down all the pictures and mementos of my relationship with Roy and carefully putting them into a shoebox because while I don’t want to see them anymore, they don’t trigger pain for me. I moved on from that girl a long time ago. Which is also why I bought a new bedspread and some velvet pillows with fun tassels that make me smile. I’ve journaled extensively, done some hard self-analyzing, and taken a few walks around the neighborhood and once through the woods. I even saw a titmouse flying from tree to tree, and it made me laugh, like a sign from the universe that things have come full circle.