Total pages in book: 122
Estimated words: 115997 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 580(@200wpm)___ 464(@250wpm)___ 387(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 115997 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 580(@200wpm)___ 464(@250wpm)___ 387(@300wpm)
“Go back inside, Isa.”
“Give us five minutes,” she replied, looking up at him.
His expression softened slightly. “Five minutes. But don’t forget our deal.” He shot me a withering glance and disappeared into the apartment, leaving Izzy in the doorway.
“Good to know you’re ali—” The rest of the word seemed to die on her tongue as she looked me over, stepping into the hallway and pulling her door shut behind her. “Nate?” She said my name like she wasn’t sure I was really me, which fit, since I wasn’t really sure anymore either.
I returned her gaze with hollow, empty eyes that devoured the sight of her. She was the meaning in all this. The sun that would warm me or incinerate me.
She was everything. She always had been.
I struggled to shove my thoughts into coherent words. “I had this all planned out in my head,” I blurted. “Driving six hours will give you time to practice what you’re going to say, you know?”
“You drove six hours?” Her brow knit.
“What else was I supposed to do?” Fuck, I couldn’t keep my thoughts straight. “But now I’m here, and your dad says you’re moving, and you’re looking at me like I’m the last person you want to see—”
“You abandoned me!” she snapped, hurt radiating through her tone. “No, worse than that—you didn’t bother to show up! I spent two days in Palau before I realized you weren’t coming. Why would you do that to me? You’re the only person who’s never . . .” She took a deep breath. “What the hell happened to you? I called. I texted. I—”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you.” My words ran together. What I had to tell her was so much bigger than a missed vacation, and if I didn’t use the right words, the perfect words, then it was all for nothing.
“Okay, then tell.” A shiver raced across her skin, and she wrapped her arms around her waist.
“I just . . . I can’t think straight, and admitting that, seeing me like this would probably get me kicked out before I even start, which is just ironic because I’m always the levelheaded one in our group. That’s why it didn’t surprise me when Pierson washed out the second week. His land-nav skills are solid, but the second the cadre started in on him, questioning his choices, he got all indecisive, and then he was gone.”
“Nate, I don’t understand what you’re saying.” She shook her head.
A hysterical laugh bubbled past my lips. “Of course you don’t, because I’m not making any sense. But I don’t know what the line is anymore, not today at least. Am I allowed to not have my shit together when I buried Julian today? Or am I supposed to hold it together and just pretend his mother wasn’t sobbing in the pew ahead of me?”
“Oh God, Nate.” Her face fell and she reached for me, but I stepped back.
“Don’t. If you touch me, I know I won’t be able to hold it together, and as you can see, I’m already walking that line.” I rubbed my empty hand over my rain-soaked face, wiping the water away. “And the worst part is that I never really thought of him as Julian, you know? Sure, that was his name, but we never called him that. But his mother wouldn’t stop saying it, wouldn’t stop crying, and now that’s all I hear in my head.”
“What happened?” she asked, her voice going soft. “Is that why you didn’t show up? Because Julian died?”
“The trip. Right.” I nodded, trying to focus my thoughts. I needed to pick a path. I needed her to pick our path. Once I had my feet under me again, I’d be able to move forward.
I’d never felt so unmoored in my life.
“The trip,” she said again, slowly, and I realized I’d drifted into my own thoughts.
“I was supposed to be there.” I nodded like I was answering one of the interview questions, like the interrogation had never stopped. “The dates worked out so perfectly that it was like fate decreed it. Like it was always supposed to be this way.”
“What way?”
“Once we all passed selection, I’d have those ten days to spend with you, to figure out what you wanted, before moving on to OTC.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Of course you don’t. You’re not really supposed to. Damn, I did such a good job of keeping my mouth shut, didn’t I? Keeping you out of it all.” I rubbed at my forehead with the back of my clenched fist, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath, shutting out all the noise, everything that happened today, and focused on the woman standing in front of me. “I’m messing this up.”
“Since I don’t know what this is, you’re doing just fine. But you definitely have me worried.” Concern etched two lines between her eyebrows. There was so much anger in her eyes, so much heartbreak, but there was love, too, right? I hadn’t killed everything she felt for me, had I?