Total pages in book: 79
Estimated words: 80074 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 400(@200wpm)___ 320(@250wpm)___ 267(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80074 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 400(@200wpm)___ 320(@250wpm)___ 267(@300wpm)
I quickly wiped away my tears, not wanting Harley to see me cry.
“Don’t cry, baby. I’m in a much better place where I actually remember you. Your father, your brother, your baby sister. My life. It all came back to me. Death was my biggest blessing. It reunited me with my memories.”
I squeezed Harley’s hand, and she squeezed mine back in reassurance. Wiping away her tears too.
“You were the most independent boy I’d ever seen. Always needing to learn everything on your own. There was no holding you back, Jackson. If your mind was made up, there was no telling you no.”
“He’s still like that,” Harley added, like she was having a conversation with her.
“The days keep blending together, and it’s getting harder to remember what I need to say to you. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with you, you were everything I ever wanted. When your daddy put you in my arms after you were born, I just remember staring into your eyes and knowing you’d just changed my world for the better.”
More tears slid down the sides of my face, feeling her presence with me for the first time since before she forgot me.
“I’m so sorry, baby ... for everything I may have or may not have done. For all the pain I caused. For breaking your heart.” Her bottom lip began to tremble, and her eyes pooled with tears. “I can’t control the episodes, and they’re coming quicker and lasting longer every day. Your brother told me I’ve said some of the cruelest things, and I hate myself for it. I don’t remember when I stopped remembering... He told me I forgot you first. And I’m so sorry. But after thinking about it for hours, days, months, years... I think I forgot you first because I loved you more than anything. You were my first true love, Jackson Pierce.”
I didn’t bother wiping away my tears, it was pointless. They wouldn’t stop anytime soon.
“I wish I was still there with you, it’s what hurts me the most. Unable to show you how much I love you. So I’m just going to tell you now that I have a chance to. I love you for always smiling, no matter what. I love you for your smartass mouth, your stubborn pride, your kind heart, your giving nature, and your strength in any situation... The way you love unconditionally, wholeheartedly, and with everything inside of you. I love the way you fight for what you believe in, your determination, your courage but mostly, I love how you forgive, and that’s what I need from you right now. If I know you how I think I do ... how I know I do...” She nodded. “I have a strong feeling you won’t say goodbye to me when I leave you. Again, you do things on your own time. I know it won’t come from a bad place. I won’t be your mother anymore when God takes me away. I know my boy. You want to remember me smiling, laughing, talking to you, telling you how much I loved you.”
I jerked back, stunned she’d know that.
“I need you to forgive yourself for not saying goodbye to me. This is why I made this video. I’m here to take away that burden. The guilt. The resentment you have toward me and yourself. Here’s your chance, my beautiful boy, to tell me goodbye. Though, baby, I want you to know it didn’t change anything because I always knew where your heart stood. It’s not goodbye, Jackson. It’s an I’ll see you later. We’ll be reunited again. I promise.”
“Jackson...” Harley encouraged, “Do it. Set yourself free,” holding on tightly to my arm, she paused the video.
I didn’t hold back. I couldn’t.
This guilt.
This remorse.
My biggest sin.
Had to come out.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry,” I wept, my blood running cold. “I should have put my feelings aside and said what you needed to hear. You’re right, though, I didn’t want to remember you that way. Lost. Alone. There was nothing left of you in that hospital bed. Not your smile, your loving eyes, your spirit was long gone. Nothing left of my mother but a body that didn’t even look like her anymore.” I paused, gathering my emotions. “I miss you so much. I miss you every second of every day, Mom. I miss your smile, your laugh, your love. Our time together, our talks, the way you always knew what to say, what to do. I just miss everything about you. I hate that you left us, left me. I hate that you weren’t here to see my daughter’s birth, who carries your name. I hope she grows up and is even half the woman you were, but mostly,” I repeated her words, stammering, sucking in a few breaths, “I hate that I have to say goodbye to you because it kills me every day you’re no longer here with us.”