Total pages in book: 91
Estimated words: 84322 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 422(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84322 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 422(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
And I didn’t miss that I had made my choice, and this — him turning away from me?
This was him making his.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat there, staring at his profile, wondering if I’d imagined the whole thing. Did he hear me? Had he listened to the words I said? How could he not fold into me right now, tell me he loves me, too, swear off everyone and everything for us?
But the moment was very real, and I nodded, understanding even if I hated it.
Without another word, I pulled the handle on my door, kicking it open and snatching my purse off the floor. In the next second I was around the back, releasing the latch of the truck bed and heaving my suitcase and duffle bag out.
Tyler didn’t get out to help me, and I didn’t look at him again.
I knew I never would.
But I’d left everything in that car, exposed every yearning that threaded through my heart, that heart that beat only for him.
So when the plane lifted off the tarmac and carried me west, I didn’t shed another tear.
I smiled for what we had.
And I promised myself to let go of what we never would.
Two Weeks Later
Me: And that’s what I think so many people miss, Tara, is that we spend so much time trying to be what we think everyone else wants us to be, that we stop asking ourselves what we actually want. Who do we want to be? What passions and hobbies do we actually enjoy? What is most important to us in life?
Tara: Exactly. And then we get to this point in our late twenties or so where we look around at the life we’ve built and we almost feel like… a spectator? More than the person living it. We’re like, “Wait… who are these people? Why am I always prioritizing getting blackout drunk at brunch over hiking or something productive?”
*laughter*
Me: So, what suggestions do you give to any of our listeners who are wanting to make that change in their life, who are wanting to wake up, so to speak, and take hold of their life?
Tara: *sighs* Well, I think there are a lot of ways to work toward it, but I’ll suggest where to start. The first step, in my eyes, is to sit down with a magnifying glass and really examine your life. What is your day-to-day routine? What do you do for fun? What do you do for a living, and why, and how does that make you feel? Then, once it’s all written down in front of you, just highlight the things that you love, that make you feel good, and leave anything that makes you feel some type of way un-highlighted.
Me: On my list, 2AM Instagram shopping would be one I’d leave un-highlighted.
*laughter*
Tara: Mine would be feeding into my toxic friendships.
Me: *whistles* That’s a conversation for another podcast.
Tara: Right? But seriously, I think if we all do this, just take a pulse check on our life from time to time, we can really evaluate what matters to us, and start to step away from what doesn’t. Focus on building habits that support who you want to be — not who you used to be, or who you think you are, or who you think others want you to be.
Me: Well, I don’t think we could end on a better note than that. Thank you for joining us on And All That Jazz today, Tara. It’s been a real pleasure.
Tara: The pleasure is all mine.
Me: Now, before you go, can you tell everyone listening where they can find you if they want to follow you or get to know you more?
Tara: Sure! Instagram is my main place, and you can find me at…
I paused my editing program, the needle marking my stopping place as I removed my headphones and scrubbed my hands over my face. It was just past five thirty in the morning — way too early to be awake, for most people, let alone editing a podcast.
But this had been my new normal since returning to Oakland.
Sleep was a fleeting thing, and usually found me between the hours of midnight and three or four in the morning, and then again somewhere in the late afternoon, when I’d succumb to a two-hour nap. For the most part, I was awake — my wheels turning, mind racing to make plans for the future, body aching for me to just get moving so I would stop thinking.
Every cell and fiber that made up my being was desperate for routine, for something to work toward, for distraction.
For healing.
And I was trying. Truly, I was. I’d only allowed myself four days of lounging around in full self-pity mode before I’d peeled myself out of my dark bedroom and started being a human again. I was recording for the podcast, editing and planning, working on social media marketing and self-care challenges to get more sign-ups and listens. I booked myself with other podcasters, and even started putting together a mini video series where I would help new podcasters figure out where to start and how to bring their ideas to life.