Total pages in book: 58
Estimated words: 55765 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 279(@200wpm)___ 223(@250wpm)___ 186(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 55765 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 279(@200wpm)___ 223(@250wpm)___ 186(@300wpm)
What is wrong with me?
“Yes,” I tell Mom, trying to make my voice hard and confident. “I’m done with him. I’m never going to cross that line again.”
“Do you think he’d be willing to forget it?”
I think of the way Lukas looks at Kayla, the commitment in his eyes, the apparent love etching every one of his features. “Yeah, I’m sure he will.”
“Then, honestly, if I were you, I’d keep it to myself. There’s no point hurting her as long as you’re sure it’s over.”
“I thought you’d tell me to do the right thing and tell the truth,” I murmur.
“Maybe that’s what I should say,” Mom replies, “but I’m thinking about your friendship, Maci. I’m thinking about Kayla’s feelings. What good will it do? Sure, you can pat yourself on the back and think at least I told the truth, but what good is the truth if it ruins everything? Or maybe I’m just auditioning for Worst Mother of the Year.”
“Ha, ha,” I say sarcastically. “Nobody could ever say that about you. I love you.”
“You’re going?” she asks.
“Yeah. I just wanted to get some advice on that.”
“I love you too. Call me if you need to speak some more. Anytime, okay?”
“Okay, Mom.”
I hang up the phone. Immediately, my mind drifts to the pool, the heat we shared, the hunger we indulged in. My thoughts are trying to turn my body into a battlefield of lust, trying to send teasing feelings into my sex. I’ve showered since the steaminess, even brushed my teeth, but I can still feel and taste it. Most of all, I can see how Lukas stared as I brought him to his explosive end.
Though, I meant what I said to Mom. I’m going to let this end. It’s the only reasonable thing to do. The only way this can work.
Some people like casual flings. They jump from experience to experience and have a great time. I’ve never been like that. Kayla often jokes I’m waiting for Prince Charming, and maybe that’s true. Perhaps I’ve been secretly crushing on her dad all this time. Maybe I’ve hidden it so well, even I didn’t fully realize it or wouldn’t let myself realize it.
I can’t have a fling with Lukas. I know I’ll want more, and there’s simply no future. If I sat down for the rest of the night until sunrise, trying to write a list of ways this could work, I’d have nothing. Kayla would hate me—the end. She’d hate her dad, the only family she has left.
Lying in bed, I close my eyes and imagine my dad still alive. I imagine walking in on him and Kayla. I force myself mentally to walk through the steps, force myself to experience the horror and resentment, and feel the hate. There would be no coming back. That’s precisely how Kayla would feel.
We’ll always have the crazy closeness in the pool. Nobody will ever be able to take that away from us, but that’s all we’ll have. I have to be strong now. I can never let anything like that happen again.
CHAPTER 7
ETHAN
Kayla’s a good lay. Real enthusiastic. Women, goddamn. Just say the right words in the right combination, and you can pretty much get them to do anything a man could want. Toward the end, she gets all lovey-dovey, holding my face and kissing me.
I almost puke, but I’ve gotta stay the course. I’ve got a plan, so I kiss her back.
“I love you,” I whisper.
She gasps as it ends, collapsing against me. “We’ve only been talking for two weeks,” she says.
I hold her so gently, stroking my hand through her hair, letting her feel this so-called love bursting between us. I wonder what that little note deep in my gut is, that pulse—maybe a shred of guilt. I bury it far down, remembering the cigarette-stained walls and the sting of Dad’s belt and my mom’s dead-eyed stare, not even watching the TV, just existing in the same room.
“It doesn’t matter,” I tell Kayla. “I loved you the second I saw your photograph. I love you so, so much.”
She squeezes her hand against my chest. My heart is beating steadily despite the exertion. My heart always beats calmly. It’s a habit I cultivated as a kid. No matter what happened around me, I wouldn’t let my heartbeat get out of control.
“I want to say it back,” she murmurs, “but I’m scared. I’ve been hurt before.”
I kiss her tenderly on the lips. “I’d never hurt you,” I lie, “but it’s okay. I can wait.”
She sits up, still naked, seeming comfortable around me. “I should get back soon.”
“Where are you staying?” I ask.
She’s being cagey about that. We’ve talked a lot on the dating app, but this is our first time meeting in person. It took a long time for me to match with her—endless swiping and using different photos and names. The name that cracked the code was Ethan. The photo was an image of me and a stranger’s dog. I told the stranger it was for a college project. I told Kayla the dog passed away a few months ago— sympathy points.