Total pages in book: 148
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
It’s safe to say that she’s worth more to me than myself, which may not be the best thing, but it’s where I’m at. It’s given me focus, something I needed. Don’t ask me why I couldn’t do that shit before I let everything go to hell, but letter late than never, right.
I’m not sure I’m going about this the right way, though, just disappearing and cutting everyone off without any kind of explanation, but for the first time in for way too long, I feel alive, well, somewhat. I won’t be there until I get her back.
But cutting out everyone else has proven to be just what I needed. Without the constant interference, I was finding it easier to want to do this all the way. I no longer wanted to run away from life, but to find it, to find my way back to her if she’d have me. It’s the only hope I have left, the only thing I have to look forward to.
The fame, the wealth, the adoration from the masses, none of that mattered any longer, not as much as just one of her smiles does to me. I never imagined that I’d ever be here, that I’d ever have such clarity in this one corner of my life. But it’s the only thing I’m one hundred percent sure about that I can’t live for much longer without her by my side.
I’ve been keeping track of her and doing some catching up on social media, but I’m still working through what’s real and what’s not. At the same time, I was working on getting myself clean away from the public eye. It wasn’t easy finding someone who could be trusted to keep their mouths shut and not be bought off. There aren’t that many decent people left, and I certainly wouldn’t have found anyone in LA. Not one that I would’ve trusted anyway.
I didn’t want anyone to know that I was getting clean, not yet anyway, because I’d come to suspect that someone had been manipulating me with drugs. It wasn’t easy finding a place to go for help without using all of my resources, but at least I always had an emergency fund in a separate account that no one knew about, thank heaven, and there were enough funds in there to float me for at least a few years, which this shouldn’t take so long.
I’d used that fund to set up a new account for my mother so no one would suspect that we were in contact again, which was a smart move because she was sure that she was being watched. I could understand if this was part of their search for me, but there seems to be something else going on there as well.
The place I found in Arizona was great at helping me detox, but it hasn’t done much with the anger management thing. My anger only seems to grow the soberer I become, which just might be counterproductive.
The deeper I dig, the angrier I become, but at least I’m getting better at not wanting to turn to the bottle or take a hit of something to take the edge off. I just have to remind myself that there’s still something worth fighting for. I think it was easy to give up on myself, to get lost in my head and waste away when I thought there was no chance for us, and though I’m still not a hundred percent sure where this is going, I now have the wish to at least try.
It helps to keep her in the forefront of my mind along with the hope that one day she might forgive me; I mean, she’d called out for me in her sleep, so that has to mean something. I hope it does because it’s what’s been carrying me all this time, ever since I left her in that hospital.
I was still no closer to finding out what was going on and how we ended up here, still trying to separate reality from my own imagination. I had lost huge chunks of time, and there were things I couldn’t quite grasp, but with the drugs clearing my system, things were looking up.
Mom’s guy seems to be making strides with his investigation as well, though he won’t say much about what he’d found so far other than that it’s bad, whatever the hell that means. According to mom, he refuses to give her anything until he’s got more, but so far, it seems like I made the right decision to cut out when I did.
So far, I know that someone has been using my social media platforms while I was high out of my fucking mind to throw shade at Elena, to put her down in ways that I would never do, no matter how fucked up I am. Her fans were rightfully pissed and were going in on me, but instead of being upset, I appreciate the fact that she has people on her side, strangers though they are.