Total pages in book: 80
Estimated words: 75723 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 379(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75723 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 379(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
“I’m going to have that surgery,” I say, trying to keep the emotion behind that out of my voice. I don’t want to do it, but how can I say no? I decided yesterday, and I called my doctor to schedule it. I don’t have a date yet, but I’m sure they’ll do it pretty fast.
“Oh my god.” The playfulness drops from her voice, and I instantly miss it. I regret leading off with that. It’s not a great post-coital glow kind of discussion. “Are you going to be okay? I’ll be here. For after, I mean. I’m not sure what happens after, but I’m here, Darius.”
Unable to look at her, I study the sheets intently before saying, “That’s the thing, Ev. I think you should go to your mom and sister’s house.”
“I…I don’t understand.” I can hear the shock and sadness in her voice, and I hate that she sounds disappointed in me.
“I want you to have as much time with them as possible. I know I said nothing will happen to Heather, and I firmly believe that. But how can I steal your time with her? She needs you right now. Those treatments aren’t easy, and she’s probably not feeling very well. She needs her big sister. She needs you a lot more than I need you.”
“But…but you want me here, don’t you?”
Yes! Desperately. More than you know. More than is probably right. More than my heart and soul are actually ready for, but you’re here anyway, so fast that it’s stolen my breath completely and changed my entire life.
“What I want shouldn’t factor into it,” I say.
“Darius!” Everleigh’s voice is sharp, and she’s obviously angry. “Don’t sacrifice yourself. Being the one who gets stepped on all the time isn’t attractive.”
I glance toward the other side of the room, away from the sunbeams coming in through the window by the bed, and stare into the dark corners. That’s probably where I belong. That’s where I’ve grown used to hiding. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“Don’t!” She throws her towel off and storms around the room, snatching up her pajamas and throwing them on.
I very pointedly don’t watch her do that because it’s not right to. I don’t know how to salvage this. I’m making a mess of it, and it hurts. My throat feels raw, my chest feels raw, I feel raw.
“Don’t do that. Don’t be all like, ‘I’m the good one here. I’m doing this all for you. I’m the good one, and this is for the best. I’m considering you above all else.’ Because that just sounds like you’re saying you had sex with me, and now you want me out of your house without saying it out loud,” she snaps.
My eyes wrench up to her face. She’s standing at the end of the bed with her hands on her hips, and fuck, she’s furious. I’m also getting not so hot in the feelings department, but I’m not mad. I just feel sick. “That’s not what I mean. If you remember, before we had sex, I suggested that you spend some time in Philly, so this isn’t about that. I’m certainly not kicking you out. I don’t want you to leave.”
“Really? Then come with me.”
“You know it’s hard for me to do that,” I tell her with a sigh.
“Have Hans sedate you. You can bring your work shit and everything you need. Come for a week.” Her eyes flash as they scan over me, and fuck, I feel like such a colossal fuck up right now. I wanted this to be something I gave to her because she needed it. I saw how sad she was after her mom and sister left, so I wanted this to be a gift to her, but it definitely doesn’t feel that way at all. Instead, it feels all twisted and wrong.
“I have the surgery coming up, and I’ll need physio after and—”
“I think that’s the real reason you don’t want me here. Because you don’t want me to see you that way after the surgery.”
“What? No. That’s not it at all.”
“Just tell me why you want me gone, then. Didn’t what we did last night mean anything? Or maybe it did, and that’s why you want some space. Because you’re scared of what you’re feeling, and you want to put a damper on it. I get that it’s not in the contract, and you don’t want babies for real. You just want it to be exactly how we planned it.”
I stand up slowly so that she won’t bolt. I don’t clear my face, but I do let her see how anguished I am at her saying things like that and even thinking it. I put my head in my hands and take a deep breath, trying to figure out what to say to fix this. “Honestly, that’s not what I want. I’m confused, but I don’t really need space. Yes, what we just did meant something. It meant a lot of things to me. If you don’t want to go to Philly, that’s okay. I just thought you did. I thought I was giving you something you needed. I wasn’t trying to hurt you or your feelings or push you away. The contract can go to hell for all I care because I want to date you, Everleigh. That’s what I want.