Total pages in book: 77
Estimated words: 72853 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 364(@200wpm)___ 291(@250wpm)___ 243(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 72853 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 364(@200wpm)___ 291(@250wpm)___ 243(@300wpm)
I’m astonished, dumbfounded. I don’t know how this happened. It happened so fast. Like getting that knife in my side. In a few seconds, it could have been over. It could have hit something vital. I think she’s hit something vital. It hurts in my chest where it never used to hurt at all. No, I’m a liar. It did hurt before, but not in the same way this hurts.
“I’m not…that’s not true!” I do feel the need to rise to this, even if it’s only in a very poor attempt to defend my honor.
“Oh, that’s right. I forgot we’re going to be friends after. You did say that was going to be a thing.”
“I’m worried you still think I’m going to change my mind. I’m not just in it for the sex, but we can’t…we can’t stay married. We can’t be that kind of friends.”
“Goodness. You seem very certain of that.”
“I’m serious. Take it seriously, Aspen,” I say exasperatedly.
Her eyes dance. Her left hand holds the towel firmly closed between her breasts. “I am taking it seriously.”
“I’m going to hurt you. I’m going to hurt your feelings.”
“You did say I’m the kind of person who gets attached. You meant that you aren’t, but I don’t think you really know what you mean. I don’t think you know that much about yourself. I think you’ve been so busy hardening yourself and shutting the world out that you have no idea where you want to go in life, who you want to do it with, or what you would or wouldn’t enjoy.” She waves a hand at the shower. “You enjoyed that.”
“For Christ’s sake.” I wish she would just slap me for being vulgar, for being an asshole, being disappointing, and being the prick who inevitably hurts her when she’s far too wonderful to ever deserve being hurt. “You should go back to San Jose. I can file for the annulment tomorrow.”
“We’ve had sex, though,” she points out.
“They don’t need to know that. We can pretend we didn’t. I’m doing it to protect you. I’m doing it because you need to be far away from here. You have this beautiful life to live and a beautiful family to get back to. They’re worried about you. You don’t need to be here. I’m setting you free.”
Aspen’s nose crinkles up so crinkly that she temporarily looks like a little old woman. “Ewwww, with your money? You think your money is going to make me free? Do you truly think I can just go back to Atlanta with a suitcase of cash and never think about you again?”
“I would just transfer the money electronically. No suitcase needed.”
“I’m not a bird in a cage. I’m free right now. There’s no setting involved. And anyway, that would be a butthole thing to do.”
I brace my arms on the sink and whirl away from her. “Yes, I’m a butthole. I’m a butthole who’s no good for you. I was a soldier for too long. I can’t stop. I can’t make myself soft. I can’t be what you need. I’m just better off alone. I never had a family, and I don’t need one now. I’ll sell this house and figure out what I want to do. I’ll be fine, and so will you.”
“You don’t know what I’ll be,” Aspen says.
“I do. You’re not a quitter. You’ll keep at it until you’re good.”
“Good? Until I’m good? I’m not good without you. I want to…to be here for you.”
“That’s exactly the one thing you shouldn’t want.”
“But I do want it,” she says stubbornly.
She throws her arms around my waist and presses her cheek to my back. The bathroom is hella humid, and we’re both damp. I can feel her wet hair soaking through my Henley and the damp towel. I can feel the endless heat of her and her curves pressed tightly to me. I want to spin around and devour her. I want to be inside her again. I want to be inside her over and over and over again. I don’t want to stop, and I don’t want it to expire. Maybe I want her inside me too. Like in my soul and shit, for the love of get-your-mind-off-inappropriate-things.
“Don’t,” I choke. Soul shit isn’t stuff I mess around with. Chest shit and heart shit are a definite no either. “Don’t do that. Don’t hope. Hope makes a mess of everything. It’s an illusion, and it’s the disappointing kind. I’m the magic trick after it’s already been figured out. Simple. A letdown. Not magic at all.”
“That’s mean. Don’t say mean things about yourself.”
“I can say them if they’re true. I’m only going to disappoint you. I’m a solitary man. I’ve been solitary for a long time. I never had a family, so I didn’t get taught how to love, and that’s the shite you probably need to learn from a young age.”