Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 76812 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 384(@200wpm)___ 307(@250wpm)___ 256(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 76812 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 384(@200wpm)___ 307(@250wpm)___ 256(@300wpm)
It's a tough pill to swallow to admit, even to myself, that there's very little chance I would've even opened my mouth to request he pause, and not because I was afraid he'd get angry. I wanted him. I wanted his body covering mine. I wanted him pushing inside of me while his hot breath warmed my neck.
I give the closet one last look before walking slowly toward the bed.
I'm surprised to see him dressed in a t-shirt and sweats when he pulls the blankets back so I can join him. I know he's worn clothes every night since I arrived here, but I figured now that he's had a part of me, he'd stay naked after his shower.
I ignore the disappointment pooling inside of me as I awkwardly press into his side.
Instead of letting me lie there being all weird, he moves me until I'm practically lying on top of him, my leg between his with his arm around my back, fingers teasing slowly up and down my spine.
He doesn't speak, doesn't ruin this moment by telling me we made a mistake. He doesn't vow to keep his hands to himself. There are no apologies on his lips.
Xan used to apologize after hurting me. He'd make promises, telling me that he'd control his urges better next time.
Nathan, on the other hand, wouldn't whisper an apology if his life depended on it.
I freeze, hating that my mind is urging me to consider Beck's silence to be the same as I'd get from Nathan.
My stomach turns because I know they're worlds apart.
It makes me consider that maybe Beck would've stopped had I requested him to.
"I was eight the first time Nathan forced Xan to touch me," I whisper, hating the way he freezes under me, but I don't stop. "He was crying the whole time, telling me he was sorry for hurting me when the tears pooled in my eyes."
When his arm tightens around me, I take comfort in his strength. I've never said these things out loud to anyone, despite the urging of the prosecutor's office in Ohio and, again, by the therapist who made frequent visits to the women's shelter.
"I can remember the sounds he made while sitting in the corner, instructing his son on what to do with his fingers. I didn't know it then but I know now he was touching himself." I swallow against the bile threatening its way up my throat. "When Xan stopped and refused to go any further, Nathan beat him until he was unconscious. He pitted the two of us against each other for years until something snapped in Xan. He was sixteen the first time he hurt me without his father's urging. I was proud of him for lasting so long. I don't know if I could've taken the abuse as long as he did before giving in to it."
Beck's arm tightens even further, and I let my eyes flutter closed, tears leaking from them and dampening his shirt.
"When I started to just lie there and let it happen, Nathan would get so angry. He wanted the tears and the begging for it to stop. He always confused me. He'd growl and tell me I needed to be stronger, that I needed to be tough to survive in their world. He made me sit and watch while he commanded Xan to hurt the nanny. She was the only person I had in my life who I cared for after my mother died, and I had to sit there, sobbing, while Xan carved his last name into her flesh with a dull knife."
I pull in a ragged breath, wishing I could find the strength to stop talking, but the floodgates have opened and show no sign of being shored up anytime soon.
"I begged him to stop. Begged Xan to put the knife down. Pleaded with Nathan to stop making his son hurt her. I saw nothing but evil in his eyes when he turned to me and told me to take her place if I truly wanted Xan to stop. I remember opening my mouth, but it's like I had forgotten how to speak. Xan didn't stop cutting into her flesh until she passed out. I never saw her again after that night, but I'm certain she's dead."
"Xan should've been stronger or been willing to die before hurting you," he says, as if it's that simple, but his words make me reflect.
Maybe Beck is the type of man who would die before hurting me, but I seriously doubt it. My luck never turns that way. Hell, if Nathan ever found out that I willingly gave any part of myself to the man, he'd make sure to be the one to stand over Beck while he took his last breath.
I'm not doubting Beck's integrity. I really think he believes what he's saying, but facing the devil and standing tall isn't the reality. We all like to think we're heroes until we're put to the test. Some last longer than others. I think Xan did his best fighting against the monster his father created in him for years and it’s commendable.