Total pages in book: 238
Estimated words: 231781 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1159(@200wpm)___ 927(@250wpm)___ 773(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 231781 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1159(@200wpm)___ 927(@250wpm)___ 773(@300wpm)
He loosened his hold, but I didn’t run.
“To just pretend we’re in control of everything happening to us,” he told me.
He blinked a few times, his demeanor completely changed, a troubled set to his brow.
My chin trembled.
“Until you can’t remember who you were before you started lying even to yourself,” he added. “Until you can’t remember ever smiling when it didn’t fucking hurt.”
Tears filled my eyes, and I ground my teeth to keep my shit together.
Abuse can feel like love.
I remembered his words from lit class.
Starving people will eat anything.
His eyes fell down my body again, his head cocking and taking the purple and red on one side of my torso and the others on my thighs.
He didn’t have any marks that I could see, but there were other kinds of pain.
“Will is like that,” he said, his voice softening, somber now. “Isn’t he?”
Like a smile that doesn’t hurt. I nodded.
“Easy, normal, peaceful…” he told me. “The only thing in my life untouched by anything ugly. Nothing has tainted him. He’s the one thing that’s still beautiful and thinks the world is beautiful and believes people are beautiful and all that shit.”
Yeah. But I couldn’t say it out loud, because it was hard enough holding back the sob.
“You can’t take him away from me,” Damon told me, stepping back and letting me go.
And in that moment, I understood exactly what his problem was. He didn’t dislike me. He resented Will liking me so much.
One day of wearing his school tie, because I loved the way he made me feel that I had to have a piece of him with me every moment, was nothing compared to the years Damon had relied on Will to be his little beacon of hope that the world was still a pretty place.
“You know it won’t work anyway,” Damon pointed out. “His family is one of the wealthiest in the country, Emory. His life is so far beyond your understanding, and vice versa. You know you have no place in Will Grayson’s Homecoming picture.”
I dropped my eyes, slowly sinking down and picking up my soaked towel, holding it over my body.
“I know,” he continued. “Hurts to hear it, but it’s true, and you know it. And what’s more? It’s pointless, because you know how you are. Even I know how you are. The whole school knows. He won’t fit, because you’re committed to being miserable and you’ll just drag him down.”
I fisted my hands, wanting to scratch him up good.
I was not miserable. I was…
My heart sank, and I looked away.
He was right. What had I done since the beginning but push Will away?
I knew how it would end, so I knew better than to let it start.
“He wore you down,” Damon went on, “and you need a release. I get it.”
He approached me again, water spraying over his body as he hovered over me, imposing in a different way now that still scared me, but didn’t frighten like before.
“So take it for what it is,” he whispered. “And release with me.”
My stomach swirled. Huh?
“His infatuation will end, so pretend you’re the one in control,” Damon taunted. “Call it for what it is, because it’s sure as shit not love. It’s a crush. Hormones. Instant gratification. Acting out.”
No. It wasn’t.
Was it?
I mean, was he right? Was Will just a scratching post? Would he ever be anything more? I knew he wouldn’t.
I could do it with anyone. I could do anything I wanted to. Will wasn’t the only person I could escape with.
“You feel it, don’t you?” Damon asked. “That need kids like us feel that Will never will? That need to destroy anything good, because every man for himself, and if you can’t beat ’em, then join ’em.” He came in and caressed my hair, and my chest ached, like something wanted to tear out of it, and I just wanted the pain to end.
Even for a minute.
I wanted the control.
“That tingle between your thighs,” he panted, “that’s telling you to just let it happen, because in the backseat of my car is where you’ll be in charge.”
I trembled, tears pooling, but when he pressed his body into mine, I gasped, my eyes falling closed.
“And when you’re done with me,” he breathed out over my mouth, “you’ll get to be the first to walk away from something that was never going to happen anyway. You can do that with me. Don’t play with his heart. Use me, instead.”
I’d be in charge, because I’d never love Damon.
I’d never be broken.
“I’m good,” he whispered, holding my eyes. “I’m really good, Emory, and I’ll make it worth it and save you the pain of him. As long as you quit now.”
I planted my hands on his chest, entertaining what it would be like.
What it would be like to feel him on top of me.