Total pages in book: 155
Estimated words: 146417 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 732(@200wpm)___ 586(@250wpm)___ 488(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 146417 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 732(@200wpm)___ 586(@250wpm)___ 488(@300wpm)
He knew that deep down. He’d worked hard, harder than he’d ever worked to get past that volcanic rage that had blown up his world not once but twice.
“Are you thinking about her today?” Kai asked quietly.
Beck nodded. “Yeah. I mean I think about her every day, but it’s been rough this week. You would think after seven years she wouldn’t be the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thought I have before I go to sleep, but there it is.”
“You lost her,” Kai pointed out. “That’s hard to get over.”
“No. I pushed her away. I threw her away.” There was the real shame, but he’d come to realize that shame could be productive. Shame had driven him to come to Dallas, to show up on Kai’s doorstep after he’d realized he wasn’t going to find her. She’d run and hid from him as much as she’d hidden from Levi Green.
“Did you just think his name?” Kai had a knowing smile on his face.
Beck sighed. He’d managed to deal with a lot of his anger issues, but Levi Green still had the ability to make him see red. It didn’t help that the fucker was living the good life in DC, moving up steadily through the ranks at the Agency. He wouldn’t be surprised if Green was one day moved into a directorate position. Now, from what he’d been told, the fucker was planning a wedding. “Yes. Sorry. I know it was my fault Kim ran. It’s my fault she’s been in hiding for seven years. But I can’t help but hate that man. I’m the one who let him come between Kim and myself, but I can’t let go of my anger toward him.”
He would never let go of that.
“Some therapists would tell you to work on that,” Kai pointed out. “But you know how I feel. Anger can be healthy. Anger can be productive. What we’ve always been doing here is working on giving you control over your anger. I often think some people are born with a well of rage inside them, and it’s like a fire. It can burn out of control and wreck everything around it. Or it can bring warmth and light where there was none. Human rights, justice, these are all things that were made possible by anger properly directed to bring about change.”
Confronting his own anger had changed him in numerous ways, but it hadn’t changed the fact that his wife was still out there, still hiding. It hadn’t changed the fact that he hadn’t found the evidence he needed to acquit her and give her back her life.
Kai leaned forward, taking off his glasses and putting them on the table beside his chair. In the years since Beck had joined McKay-Taggart there had been many changes, but the only age he could see on his therapist was a bit of gray at his temples. “Do you have any idea how far you’ve come, Beck?”
“Not far enough,” he said wistfully. “Although I suppose going by my real name again is a step in the right direction.”
He didn’t even think of himself as Ezra anymore. For a long time, he’d fooled himself into playing the part, even in his head. But Kai had helped him realize how destructive it was.
“The anniversary of your brother’s death is coming up. How are you feeling about that?” Kai asked softly.
He still hated it when Kai put him in a corner and made him want to fight his way out. He didn’t want to talk about these particular feelings, but he knew if he didn’t they would bottle up again. “Angry. Sad. Weary. I still feel anger when I think of my brother, and that makes me understand fully why Kim kept that secret. She knew how I would respond. But I’m still mad at my brother for asking her to keep the secret in the first place.”
“He was desperate.”
On this point, he would not be moved. “She should never have been placed in that position. He should have come to me. I know I can be self-righteous and judgmental, but I never would have told my brother I wouldn’t help him.”
“Addicts do awful things to protect their addiction.”
It was still so hard to think of his brother that way, but he’d come to understand that Kim had been telling him the truth. “I wish I’d had a chance to help him.”
“I do, too.” Kai sat up, obviously changing the subject. “So have you given any thought to dating? The last time we talked Charlotte was trying to set you up with one of the new hires.”
He didn’t want to be set up and he’d decided that was all right. “Everyone is trying to do that. I recently went to a family reunion and my cousin has been trying to set me up with her single friends. At least I only have to email my replies to her. Charlotte is much harder to say no to.”