Total pages in book: 66
Estimated words: 76696 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 383(@200wpm)___ 307(@250wpm)___ 256(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 76696 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 383(@200wpm)___ 307(@250wpm)___ 256(@300wpm)
I needed to talk to someone about my feelings. Slowly I rose from my bed and walked out of my room. Pumpkin followed me and jumped onto the sofa in the living room, curling up into a tight ball and watching me with his amber eye. I was alone in the apartment. Zach and Brian had classes, and they wouldn't be home for a few more hours. I picked up my mobile and sent Reagan a text.
Need to talk. Can we meet for coffee?
Her reply was almost instant: Sure! I’m over at Kevin’s.
She spent more time there than in her own apartment. Jason and Bill didn’t seem to mind but I couldn't imagine anyone not liking Reagan's company.
***
I knocked at the apartment door. It made me nervous to think that Jason or Bill might open the door. They'd avoided me ever since my break down and I was thankful for it.
Reagan opened the door. “Come in.”
She led me into the kitchen. It was an assembly of random furniture pieces. Not everyone could afford a designer kitchen like Zach. “Sorry for bothering you. Kevin and you probably wanted to spend some time together.”
“Nonsense. I always have time for girl talk,” she said with a smile. We took seats at the kitchen table, and Reagan scanned my face. “So what’s up?”
I bit my lip anxiously, thinking of a way to say what was bothering me. “I wanted to talk about Zach.” I took a deep breath and told her how I'd let Zach touch my cheek the day before, which sounded almost ridiculous when voiced out loud, but it was a huge step for me. I paused, trying to find words for the feelings surging through me.
Reagan could barely contain her curiosity but she remained silent, waiting for me to continue.
“I feel normal around him. It's strange because I’ve known him for only a short time. But I just feel comfortable when he's around.” Reagan looked like she was going to burst from excitement any moment. “But with Brian...” I let out a small sigh. “With Brian everything is so tense and awkward. I'm always careful how to act around him because I know he's monitoring me. I wish our relationship would return to how it was before the incident.”
Reagan gave me an understanding smile. She took my hand and squeezed. With her, physical closeness seemed so casual, so normal. “I'm sure it will get better between Brian and you.”
I shook my head. “I barely see him anymore, though we live in an apartment together. He's always somewhere else. I don't even know what he's doing when he's gone all night and sometimes I think he's avoiding me. Maybe he can't bear to be in an apartment with me at night because of my nightmares. Sometimes I talk...or scream when I sleep.” I trailed off, feeling a lump rising in my throat.
Reagan tightened her grip on my hand when she spoke. “No, Amber. Brian is an idiot for not telling you. This entire secrecy thing didn’t accomplish anything.”
I frowned at her, not sure what she is talking about.
She let out a sigh. “Brian is gone so often because he's spending time with his girlfriend.”
My eyes widened. “Brian's got a girlfriend?”
Reagan nodded. “Yes, Lauren. They've been having an on and off relationship for a few months and she's a bit of a...tight-ass. She wants to control every aspect of his life. She calls him all the time and wants to spend every second with him.”
I was shocked and hurt. “Why didn’t he tell me?”
“Apparently, he thinks that it would bother you,” Reagan said with a shrug.
“He should have told me,” I murmured. Why couldn't he act normal around me? Why did he have to make me feel like a freak?
I stared out of the large window. “Sometimes I feel like I don't know him at all. It's like we've become strangers.”
“Don’t you think it’s a good sign that you let Zach touch you? It’s only a matter of time before you can hug your brother. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Change takes time.”
“You’re probably right.”
“So you like Zach?”
I didn’t really know the answer to her question. Of course I liked Zach. But how much did I like him? I'd wanted to talk to her so she could tell me. “I really don't know, Reagan. When I'm with him, I feel like I'm a normal girl, like I belong here. Sometimes when I'm around him I feel like I could manage to get happy. Everything seems so easy. Sometimes I manage to forget. He makes me forget.” I closed my eyes, trying to block the memories that always came back to haunt me. Reagan squeezed my hand, chasing away the painful images that threatened to overwhelm me. I opened my eyes and looked into her kind face.
“Have you told him?” she asked.
My eyes widened and I shook my head hastily. “No, of course not. How could I tell him? I mean. I don't really know what I feel and he won't return my feelings – whatever they are.”
Reagan frowned and opened her mouth to object but I continued.
“Zach can have every girl he wants. Why would he take someone like me, someone who's broken?”
Reagan interrupted me instantly. “You aren't broken, Amber.”
“But I feel like it, Reagan. I feel like those men have soiled me, like their filthy hands have tarnished me in some irrevocable way. I feel dirty and tainted, and how could Zach want something like that? How could he ever want someone like me?” I gestured at myself, barely able to keep the tears at bay.
Reagan sat perfectly still, only her head was shaking back and forth slowly, tears welling up in her eyes. “You aren't dirty, Amber.”
The sob that I'd been holding back slipped out. “But I feel so dirty, Reagan, so dirty and it just won't go away no matter what I do.” I buried my face in my palms. I heard Reagan move and then her arms wrapped around me and she pulled me against her body. “Oh Amber, don't...don't think of yourself like that. You aren't dirty or broken or tainted or any of those other nasty words. You're kind and caring and beautiful. You just have to allow yourself to see how wonderful you are.”