Total pages in book: 184
Estimated words: 186756 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 934(@200wpm)___ 747(@250wpm)___ 623(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 186756 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 934(@200wpm)___ 747(@250wpm)___ 623(@300wpm)
Pain pierces my chest.
Not for the first time either. In fact, my entire body is hurting.
For him.
It’s been hurting because all the things he just told me. It’s been tight and curled and achy. And I…
I want to go to him.
I want to put my arms around him and hug him. And in his words, I’d be lying if I said that’s all I want to do. But something is stopping me.
Something that I can’t move past.
“So what are you going to do?” I ask, gripping the sheets even more tightly.
He shakes his head. “I don’t know. But I love books.”
Yeah, he does.
He loves them so much.
And I always wanted him to go for all the things he loves.
I always wanted him to love me.
I slide my feet up and down on the bed, getting restless. “What if I don’t want you to follow me?”
“I’ll still follow you.”
“That’s –"
“But for you, I’ll keep my distance.”
“Distance.”
“I’ve done it before. I can do it again,” he announces. “But this time, I won’t hide. I won’t be careful. This time, you will know I’m there. This time, you will see me watching you. You’ll feel me watching you. This time, I’m seizing my destiny.”
That does it.
That breaks this dam inside of me that I was holding at bay.
My muscles go lax and my voice opens up.
“I’m not your destiny,” I scream then and even though it was loud, he doesn’t flinch. He simply stares at me as if he gets it. He understands that I need to let it all out and I hate him for it.
God, I love him for it too.
“I’m not your fucking destiny, okay?” I keep going. “I don’t want to be your destiny. I don’t want your love. I don’t… You pulled away from me. For a week. For a fucking week, Stellan. You wouldn’t answer my calls. You wouldn’t answer my texts. You… And then you came to Bardstown. Without telling me. Without… And then when I came to see you, when I came to demand answers and I told you I loved you and you beat up your twin brother. You beat him up. You…” A sob catches in my throat. “Y-you guys fought because of me. I never…” I hiccup, my vision blurring from my tears. “I never wanted that. I never wanted to come between you two and I know I did. Before. But I… And you b-broke your promise for me. You did, didn’t you?” I sob. “You made a promise to yourself and your b-broke it for me. You did it to p-protect me. To push m-me away and I’m so m-mad. I’m so mad that I can’t even be mad at you. I can’t… I’m so…”
Before I know it, I’m lifted off the bed and I’m in his arms.
He’s made me climb his body and he’s pinned me to his chest. He’s also tucked my face in the crook of his neck with his large hand as he rocks me. As he shushes me and soothes. As he whispers things in my ear that are as soft as a feather and as sweet as honey.
But the thing that really gets me, that both melts and stings my heart is that he’s hugging me.
Like he always does.
After a week of no contact, after a week of dread that this might be it, he’s hugging me so tightly that I want to sink into him. I want to sink my bones into his body and fuse us together.
And apparently, he wants that too with how tight he’s holding me.
How tight and solid his arms are around me.
“I came to Bardstown to be close to you,” he whispers roughly.
With my face still tucked in his chest, I scratch the side of his neck. “You could’ve a-actually been close to me by coming to see me.”
He flexes his arm around me. “Because like an asshole, I pulled away from you. Like an asshole I was going to let you go. I was going to…”
He trails off but in lieu of his words he tightens his hold around me.
He crushes me to his body as if he thinks I’m going to take off.
I tighten my hold around him too as I scratch him some more. “You hurt me, Stellan.”
He grips me even more tightly. “I know. I fucking know.”
“You beat your brother up.”
“Yeah.”
Breaking away, I look up at him. “For me.”
His eyes are red-rimmed and his features are determined. “I’ll do anything for you.”
I fist his shirt. “I m-made you break your promise.”
He shakes his head. “You made me keep it.”
“What?”
He brings his hand forward and cups my cheek, wiping my tears off. “You’re my grounding object.” When I frown, he explains, “This thing inside of me, it makes the world disappear. It makes me forget who I am, where I am. It’s all-consuming, this thing. But you… you’re the thing that gives me an anchor. You’re the thing that pulls me back from the edge. You’re the reason I don’t go over. If I focus on you, I forget my anger. I think about you and I don’t want to be angry anymore. Your thought is what saves my promise, baby. You’re my reason. To not be what I am.”