Total pages in book: 81
Estimated words: 75699 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75699 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
“Did you plan to tell him?” I peered closely at Declan, trying to suss out his mental state.
“Yeah. Rehearsed the whole plane ride.” He gave a self-conscious chuckle.
“My overthinker.” I tugged him back into my arms.
“It’s funny. I’ve spent ten years building up coming out as this enormous deal. And in the end, it was pretty damn easy, at least with my dad. He loves me.”
“As do a lot of people.” Myself included, but this wasn’t the moment to reveal that.
“I’m…um…not sure when I’ll go public.” Declan looked down at his hands. “I told Dad he could tell Denver and my sister. I’m calling my mom tomorrow. And—”
“Little steps. It’s okay.” I needed to be happy he’d done this much and set aside my own worries and desires for a moment. He’d come out to Sean, which was a huge deal and, frankly, unexpected. No way was he coming out to his team or the public any time soon. “When do you go back to Arizona?”
“It’s not okay.” Frowning, Declan turned to stare me down. “I don’t want to be a secret any longer.”
“There’s a difference between secret and private.” I tried to sound mature, but all I earned was a scoff from Declan.
“Not much.” He shook his head, continuing to glower. “I eventually want to be public. No more hiding from anyone. And I don’t know on going back.”
“What do you mean?” My stomach clenched around a ball of conflicting emotions. “I saw the video of you riding. Sure looked like the doctor cleared you.”
“The doctor did.” Declan shrugged, sounding pretty damn casual for someone who had received news he’d waited four months for. “But I’m taking the season off.”
“You’re what? No. No, you’re not.” I waved away the very notion.
“I am. Done deal.” Declan shot me his most stubborn expression, chin out, eyes icy blue.
“You’re taking off because you don’t want to come out publicly yet?” I didn’t care how done of a deal this was. I couldn’t allow Declan to decide his future based on an ultimatum I hadn’t made.
“No.” He put his hands on my shoulders, meeting my gaze. “I’m not going to lie and say that our relationship isn’t a factor, but it’s a small one. Mainly, it’s that I’m scared to ride.”
“You’re scared?” It was a word I’d never once associated with Declan. For better or worse, he was the most fearless person I knew. Even in the hospital, he’d been ready to return to riding, his only fear being the doctors not clearing him. “You’re scared of another concussion or injury?”
“Yeah.” Declan sounded far away, as if he were still working some of this out for himself. “For the first time since I started riding, I have something to live for, something I don’t want to lose other than the race.”
“Oh, Declan.” I didn’t want to think about all the years he hadn’t cared enough whether he survived, only whether or not he won.
“Don’t feel sorry for me,” he ordered. “I had an amazing run. But when I took that first ride back with Cyrus, I was riding scared, and that’s as dangerous as riding reckless. I was tense and overthinking every move.”
“You? Overthinking?” I tried to joke, but inside, my brain was reeling. Declan voluntarily deciding to take time away from riding was something I hadn’t ever considered.
“Yeah. And then I started overthinking the medical stuff. I want a third opinion on my TBI and concussion risk.”
“That’s smart. You might be able to do that before the season starts.” My heart pounded. Was I really trying to talk him into racing?
“I don’t want to do that. I’m not ready.” Declan sounded frustrated. “I thought you’d be happy about me not racing.”
“I don’t know what I am,” I admitted. “Your mental and physical health matters. I just don’t want this thing between us to be the reason.”
Maybe Declan wasn’t the only scared one. I simply couldn’t believe I could offer him enough to make up for the loss of racing. Terror raced through me. What if I wasn’t enough? What if he was doing this for all the wrong reasons? I shuddered, and Declan frowned.
“Can’t you trust me?” This time, he wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. “I’m not going to blame you for a decision I’m making for me. I want time to see who I am without racing.”
“Who you are is pretty wonderful. With or without racing, and I support either choice.” I held his face in my hands. “Don’t have regrets. If you want to race without coming out yet, I understand.”
“That’s exactly it.” Declan put his hands over mine. “I don’t want regrets. I don’t want to regret racing. I don’t want to regret doing long distance with you and always wondering what would have happened if I stayed. I don’t want to regret another concussion. The bottom line is that I need time to figure out what I do want.”