Total pages in book: 163
Estimated words: 164828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 824(@200wpm)___ 659(@250wpm)___ 549(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 164828 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 824(@200wpm)___ 659(@250wpm)___ 549(@300wpm)
He pauses as if getting the wording right in his head. “Tell me… what’s the worst possible scenario that could happen with Eliza?”
“That we have sex, and one of us likes it and the other one doesn’t.”
“You’re afraid that you aren’t going to like it?”
I nod. “Or that I won’t know what to do with her body and therefore be a disappointment.”
“Nathan, have you ever thought about the possibility of having sex with a female other than Eliza to see if you do like it?” My eyes search his. “Perhaps you could explore this side of your sexuality away from your relationship with Eliza.”
I drop my head. Why haven’t I thought of this before? “Why? Why am I feeling like this now, after all this time?”
“How old are you?”
“Thirty-four.”
“Many people reach a deeper level of themselves around your age. They’re searching for their truth. An awakening, if you will.”
“You think being straight is my truth?” I whisper, horrified.
“I think that perhaps you are curious, which is completely normal.” He pauses. “And I think that you are going to have sex with a woman at some stage in your life—curiosity like this doesn’t just disappear. Now, whether that is with your Eliza or a stranger will be up to you.”
I listen intently.
“You need to calculate the risk, Nathan, and only you can do that. Do you want to explore your sexuality without the chance of hurting Eliza? Or do you want to risk it? The choice is yours.”
I think for a moment.
“Is there another woman who interests you? One where the gamble isn’t so high?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “There are a lot of options, I guess. I don’t have a problem getting female attention. Women throw themselves at me all the time.”
“Anyone in particular that takes your interest?’
I think for a moment. “There is… one woman.”
“Who is she?”
“Her name is Stephanie. We go to the gym together. We have coffee sometimes.”
“And you’re attracted to her?”
“I wouldn’t say attracted.” I scowl. “It’s not like my attraction to Eliza. She is gorgeous, though.”
“But you feel something there? Is she attracted to you?”
“Yes, she wants me. She makes her intentions clear quite often.”
He raises his eyebrow. “Perhaps you should investigate this further. Calculate the risks with each woman.”
“There’s no contest. I’m not risking Eliza… under any circumstance.”
“But you are curious about the female body and how it would work with yours?”
My brow furrows as I contemplate his question. “Yes. I am.”
“Can you imagine yourself naked with Stephanie like you do with Eliza?”
“No,” I answer without hesitation.
“Do you think that’s something that you want to investigate?”
I twist my lips as I think. “Perhaps.”
“Can I make a personal suggestion, Nathan? Off the record.”
“Of course.”
“If it were me, and I was searching for answers, I would perhaps explore the possibility of having casual sex with another female before I made any decision that may risk a lifelong friendship. This is your sexual awakening, nobody else’s. Don’t tie your decision to one person. This isn’t about Eliza; this is about you. You would be doing yourself a disservice to rush into anything. And may I add, you haven’t been sexually active with anyone for a long time.”
“Meaning?”
“Perhaps your body is giving you distorted signals. You love Eliza, so it’s presenting as arousal but perhaps your body is just craving physical touch again.”
“That makes sense,” I nod as I contemplate his advice. “Thank you.”
“What are you going to do?”
I sit up with renewed purpose. “I don’t know, but you’re right about one thing: I do need to know if I’m sexually compatible with a woman.” I hold my hand out to shake his. “Thank you.” I give him a lopsided smile. “You’ve actually helped me today.”
“I didn’t help you at the last visit?”
“No.” I smirk. “You pissed me off.”
He chuckles and dips his head playfully. “Then my mission was accomplished.”
* * *
I bounce the tennis ball against the wall and it falls back into my hands.
I do it again.
And again.
I’m lying on my bed with my feet on the pillows. For two hours, I’ve been bouncing this ball while staring at the wall.
My mind isn’t here, though. It’s with my Eliza, across town. I keep seeing her face when I told her I needed space.
It hurt her.
What a joke! I don’t want space. I want just the opposite. I want to be curled up in her bed, with her head on my chest and her heart beating against mine.
My heart hurts not being with her tonight.
But I have to do this. I wasn’t lying.
I do need space.
I have to get my head around this and navigate my next move. Elliot’s advice keeps going around and around in my head on repeat. Was he right?
Can I imagine myself touching another woman like I want to touch Eliza?
I scroll through my phone until I get to the name Stephanie. My thumb hovers over her name.