Total pages in book: 27
Estimated words: 26265 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 131(@200wpm)___ 105(@250wpm)___ 88(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 26265 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 131(@200wpm)___ 105(@250wpm)___ 88(@300wpm)
I shoot the old man an evil look, but then turn to the ranger with a placating smile.
“I apologize again, sir. Trust me, this was just an accident.”
“Liar. You’re a filthy LIAR!” the old man screams. “You were too busy copulating up there for it to be an accident!”
Okay, clearly this guy is making no sense, and I turn once again to the park ranger with my most reasonable smile.
“It was just an accident,” I repeat once more. “I swear.”
The park ranger visibly relaxes. His shoulders lose some of their tension, and he actually smiles at Jessie. “You know, I think you’re right. It’s so nice to meet another amateur birdwatcher, and accidents do happen all the time. What app do you use, by the way?” he asks curiously. “I use BirdWatch to track all my sightings!”
“That’s what I use too!” Jessie says with excitement. “OMG, we have to trade usernames so that we can compare notes. Mine is JessieWithAJ.”
The park ranger nods, and undoes our cuffs while continuing to speak.
“Mine is RangerSteve, without a space. I know, not exactly the most creative of handles, but it works. I’m literally out here all day, so don’t be surprised when you see my log because I’ve seen practically everything that flies through this park. Plus, I’ve worked here for a long time, so I’ve been at it for decades. Okay kids, off you go. Have a nice day and let’s be sure to connect,” he says with a wink at my girlfriend.
By now the old guy is practically shitting his pants.
“Are you serious? So you’re friends now? You weren’t called over here to become buddy-buddy with the enemy, you know. What’s your badge number because I’m going to report you. You’re not doing your job!”
The ranger sighs and shrugs. “As far as I can tell, no laws were broken today.”
“They were copulating! I told you!” the old man screams, spittle flying from his lips. The ranger shoots him a meaningful glance.
“Do you have any proof of that?”
The elderly man stammers, two pink spots glowing on his wizened cheeks.
“Well no, because it happened so fast. One minute I was standing here, minding my own business, and then the next I was bonked on the head by an acorn!”
Ranger Steve pretends to look apologetic.
“I’m so sorry sir, but as you know, acorns fall from trees all the time, and the government’s not liable for that. We do have our arborists come out regularly to trim the foliage, but unfortunately, accidents do happen.”
The old man stares like he can’t believe his ears.
“It’s not just about an acorn!” he screeches. “The bough broke because these two people were having sex on it!”
The ranger merely shrugs again.
“Again, I’m so sorry that a tree branch broke near where you were standing, but again, this is a known hazard. It happens every day in the park, and it’s just part and parcel of walking in a nature reserve. Also, climbing trees here is technically illegal, but we don’t usually prosecute those infractions the first time they’re discovered. We merely issue warnings for first time offenders.”
The old man looks ready to burst.
“What?” he screams. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Meanwhile, I shake hands with the ranger. “Thank you for your understanding, sir. We are very sorry about the tree, and if there’s anything we can do to make up for it, please let us know.”
The ranger merely nods.
“I’ll get an arborist out here to look at it, but branches break all the time. Again, it’s just a part of the great outdoors.” Then he turns to the elderly man again. “You seem to have soiled yourself, sir. How about I bring you to the ranger station and get you some clean clothes to change into? A new pair of sweatpants and a shirt from the park. The special ones, with our logo on it.”
The old man looks ready to burst a blood vessel at these words, but then the anger seeps from his shoulders.
“Well, I suppose that would be alright. I’ve always wanted a sweatshirt with that night owl logo on it.”
“Sure, we’ve got those in stock,” the ranger says easily, gripping the old man’s elbow lightly. “Come right this way, sir.”
With that, they move off slowly, the old men still reeking of urine. I have to give credit to the park ranger for handling this in a professional manner, but if he’s really been on the job for decades as he claims, then this was probably par for the course. With a wry smile, I take my girlfriend’s hand.
“Well, that was pretty crazy. Should we go home, or did you want to stay for some additional birdwatching?”
Jessie erupts into laughter then.
“I think we’ve had enough for today. Unless you want to hang out and just start pelting that guy with acorns. Although I think the ranger would have to arrest us then.”