Total pages in book: 66
Estimated words: 68006 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 340(@200wpm)___ 272(@250wpm)___ 227(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 68006 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 340(@200wpm)___ 272(@250wpm)___ 227(@300wpm)
“You don’t know the half of it.”
“There hasn’t been any news on those two security guards from the other night, I’m afraid,” she says.
Now I feel like a self-centered piece of crap. I haven’t even been thinking about them because I’m so angry with Leif right now.
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” I say.
“Me too. I knew one of them quite well. He was young, newly engaged.” She shakes her head. “But unfortunately there’s nothing we can do about that except pray. What can I do for you today?”
“You can tell me,” I say, “whether there’s truly good in everyone.”
“Well,” she sighs. “I’m glad you didn’t ask me an easy question. Maybe you’d rather know something simple, like whether there’s a God, or what is the meaning of the universe?”
I know she’s trying to be funny, but my question is valid.
“I’m serious. I think…”
“You think what?”
“I don’t know. I’m just really angry with Leif. He gave me some gobbledygook about how he came home from the conflict in Afghanistan, how he had PTSD and went to therapy, and one of the things he learned was that there were no absolutes. No absolute good or absolute evil.”
“I can see why that upset you.”
“Thank you. Because clearly he didn’t see it at all. My mother for example. Absolute evil. This degenerate who’s chasing me around Manhattan right now. Absolute evil.”
“It would seem that way, on the surface.”
“On the surface? My God, you’re going to say the same thing, aren’t you?”
“No. I’m not going to say the same thing. I’m going to say that perhaps it helped Leif in his healing to feel that there were no absolutes. It may have nothing to do with good and evil. It could mean an absolute of another kind.”
“What other kind?”
“The world is full of shades of gray, Kelly. My guess is that when Leif had that eye-opening epiphany during his therapy, it had to do with something completely different from what you’re dealing with.”
“Or maybe…” I shake my head, closing my eyes. “No, I can’t imagine that. Not Leif. Not someone so strong and virile and courageous.”
“Where is your mind going?” Macy asks.
“To dark places. Places I don’t want to think about.”
“All right. You just say what you feel you can say.”
“He’s so strong. So muscular, I mean, if you could see him.” My cheeks warm.
“I’ve seen him, Kelly. He’s tall and muscular, yes. Very handsome.”
A twinge of jealousy gets me then.
Macy is no threat. I know that I’m just reacting the way I’ve been reacting my whole life.
“Do you think… I mean, military activities…” I shake my head. “I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m sorry to bother you.” I rise.
“Please, sit back down. I have the time, and this is clearly important to you.”
I obey her, sitting down.
“I think what you’re imagining, what you’re wondering, is whether something as horrific as what happened to you might have happened to Leif.”
I close my eyes and nod.
I’m glad she said the words because I just couldn’t.
“The only person who can answer that question is Leif,” she says, “and if something terrible did happen, he may not want to talk about it.”
“I know. It took me a long time to talk about…everything.”
“I know it did, but you’ve done wonderfully. Look at Leif now. He’s an incredible person, and whatever happened to him, he’s worked through it.”
I nod.
“And if it helped him to imagine that someone who may have tortured him in some way had a smidgen of good in them, who are we to question that?”
“But how can he? I mean, was there a smidgen of good in Hitler? In Osama bin Laden? In Jeffrey Dahmer?”
“I don’t know,” Macy says. “I’m not sure if we’re meant to know those kinds of things.”
I draw in a breath, mentally counting to ten. “I will never believe it, Macy. I will never believe that there was one tiny microscopic particle of good in any of the men on that island, or in my mother, and especially not in this Mr. Smith who is still out there and still wants to violate me.”
“I will never ask you to believe that.”
“Good. Because I won’t. I can’t believe that Leif does.”
“Don’t hold Leif’s views against him,” Macy says. “Neither one of us knows what he’s been through.”
“I…” I shake my head again, trying to erase the images that want to erupt. Images of Leif… Being hurt. Tortured.
“Why did I start going down this path?” I ask. “Now, I think… My God, Leif…”
Macy reaches across her desk and pats my hand. “Leif is fine, Kelly. Whatever he’s been through, he’s worked through it. That much is clear. And whatever he’s doing, whatever he says to you, I feel certain that his end goal is to help you. Certainly not to hurt you. Nor to anger you.”