Total pages in book: 79
Estimated words: 74321 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 372(@200wpm)___ 297(@250wpm)___ 248(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 74321 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 372(@200wpm)___ 297(@250wpm)___ 248(@300wpm)
The sun was setting when we awoke. Wes propped himself up against the pillows, and I put my head on his chest and wrapped an arm around him. We didn’t say anything for a while. We didn’t need to. I just held on tight while he stroked my hair, and we watched the sky turn from orange to pink to purple.
I felt so close to Wes, closer than I’d ever felt to anyone. In that moment, I realized I was falling in love with him. I could actually feel it in my chest, a sensation of warmth and fullness I’d never experienced before.
I didn’t tell him how I felt, because I thought it would be too soon. Instead, I showed him. I held onto him and kissed him, and I let myself soak up all the tenderness and affection he gave so freely.
I was at peace, and it was a very unfamiliar feeling.
After a while, he murmured, “I feel like I should say thank you.”
“For what?”
“For this afternoon, and the way you trusted me and let us go someplace brand new.”
A smile spread across my face. “Thank you too, for the exact same thing.”
“This will probably sound naïve, but I had no idea sex could be like that.”
“Me neither.”
“Really?”
I nodded. “It was never like that for me. Not even close. It actually makes me wonder why I wasted my time with all those random hookups. I mean, sure, they were fun. But they were also empty and meaningless, every last one of them.”
I exhaled slowly, and after a pause I continued, “If I could go back in time and change one thing, I’d find you when I was eighteen and spend one night with you. Afterwards, you’d go back and finish college, and medical school, and your residency, and I’d go back to…well, exactly what I’m still doing. Then we’d meet again years later, when we were both ready for a relationship.”
“What would we do with that one night?”
“I’d give you my virginity.” I said that very quietly. “I lost it the day I arrived in San Francisco, soon after my high school graduation. I never felt safe dating or hooking up in my small town, so I wasted no time once I got to California.”
“Who was the guy?”
“Just someone who picked me up in a club. I don’t even know his name.” When Wes’s expression turned sympathetic, I added, “That must sound pathetic, but I thought it was what I wanted at the time. I figured my first time wouldn’t be great, so I just wanted to get it over with.
“The best thing I can say about it is that he used lube and a condom, but he didn’t believe me when I said I was a virgin, and he didn’t go slow. It hurt so bad. I expected it to be painful, but it felt like I was being torn apart. I didn’t say anything though, and I didn’t ask him to stop. Once he finished, I left the back room of the club and never saw him again. My legs were shaking so bad. I don’t even know how I made it back to my friend’s apartment.”
“Oh god, Ash, that sounds awful.”
“It wasn’t great. Weeks went by before I got up the courage to try again, and over time, it got better. The thing is though…that first time reinforced my belief that sex was meaningless, and it established a pattern. Before I met you, all I had were random hookups. I guess that’s all I was capable of. I shied away from real relationships, because I was afraid of getting hurt. I felt so unwanted when I was growing up, and I couldn’t stand the thought of giving anyone the power to reject me.”
“And now?”
I shifted my gaze from the white duvet to his warm, hazel eyes and said, “I’m all in with this, Wes. I know it started off unconventionally, but I guess that’s exactly what I needed to break the cycle and get to know you. My only concern is that…”
My voice trailed off. Was I saying too much? Would I ruin it?
He asked, “What were you going to say?”
I just had to be honest with him. “Right now, it feels like we’re living in a dream. But what’s going to happen when we’re back in the real world? We’re very different people, and I can’t help but wonder how your life and mine will ever actually fit together.”
“We’ll figure it out, Ash.”
He said that confidently, as if there was no doubt in his mind. I loved that about him, how he could be so sure and optimistic, despite everything that had happened in his past.
As I stretched up and kissed him, I made a conscious decision. I wasn’t going to let worry cast a shadow on this wonderful thing that was happening between us. Like Wes, I was just going to be confident and believe it’d all find a way to work out in the end.