Total pages in book: 136
Estimated words: 131821 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 659(@200wpm)___ 527(@250wpm)___ 439(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 131821 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 659(@200wpm)___ 527(@250wpm)___ 439(@300wpm)
But the one-year mark of his death? That was like nothing else I’ve experienced, and I can’t pretend it doesn’t have something to do with an entirely different dark-haired man.
Regardless, it was as if after a year of compartmentalizing, my boxes were full, the overflowing weight too much to hold strong. They tumbled to the floor with a heavy crash, the latches splitting from the locks and pouring over me until I was a body with no heart, lungs with no air.
I felt dead inside, guilty beyond measure.
He was dead, and I lived a whole life in one year’s time.
I carried a baby to full term. I got my GED. I started an internship at the job of my dreams, and I made it to my eighteenth birthday with a little less weight on my shoulders.
I created a home in the home my brother and found family offered me. I took their hands, and I held on for dear life.
Instead of sinking under at the thought of Deaton, I trained my brain to swim, to tread the endless waters of grief until I found a way to breathe easier.
I untied the rope around my wrists and broke the surface of my woe whirlpool. I had a little boy to bring into this world, to protect and cherish, and a fractured girl wouldn’t be strong enough. He deserved more. So as time passed and I discovered where the light I felt within me was coming from, I leaned in ever so slightly.
It wasn’t my intention to fall off the cliff, but I did.
I fell headfirst, but I never hit the ground.
Strong hands held me steady.
It didn’t take long for the guilt I lived with to grow from a warm, wieldy pit in my stomach to a volcano of vast proportions.
It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I mean, he’s dead, right? So what does any of it matter?
I’m here, and he’s not.
A humorless laugh leaves me, and I shake my head, lifting my camera once more and peering through the lens.
If only it were that easy, girl.
“Shoot, I am late!”
I whip around, smiling wide at the sight of Ari.
“Hey! I didn’t know you were coming to town today.” She beams, skipping down the steps and throwing her arm around me. “I was hoping I’d catch their practice, but looks like they’re about done.”
Both our eyes move toward the field, and as if an invisible string is tied from her to him, Noah looks up into the stands in the same exact moment. The smile that breaks across his lips has us both laughing, and a softness blooms in my chest, a teeny, tiny thread of jealousy tugging within me.
It takes her several seconds, but she finally looks my way again. “So you’re back at work?”
“Thank god for that,” I admit with a light scoff. “Too much time on my hands without it.”
She tips her head, eying me for a moment. “Have you ever thought about taking courses at the college? Maybe they have some photography or business classes that could help?”
Tucking my hair behind my ear, I shake my head, snapping a few shots of the running backs and their coaching staff as they close out their day.
“My internship comes with full-scale training in the equipment and software, and now that I’m on year two, I’ll be working on the film side as well, moving into live shorts for social media.”
“How exciting!” She lights up, and when she looks out at the field, a softness falls over her. “I wish I could just…be out here with him every day.”
“Why don’t you transfer to USD with Nate?”
She lifts a shoulder, not taking her eyes off the blue-eyed, black-haired man ahead. “I was more thinking along the lines of…dropping out.”
My eyes widen, and she laughs lightly, shrugging once more.
“I never wanted to go to college anyway, but I knew I should. Now, though? After everything that’s happened?” She shakes her head, emotion heavy in her voice, and I don’t know if she realizes it, but her palm presses to her belly. “I just want to be where he is.”
I can understand that. She almost lost the love of her life in a completely different way than most, but still she almost lost him. She understands, now more than ever, that life is short, and we should spend every moment we can with the ones we love most.
Unless you know what it feels like to lose that person for real and are certain you couldn’t survive it a second time…
I swallow, glancing at Ari once more. “Does he know?”
Her smile is sassy now. “That man knows everything I’m thinking with one look.” She sighs sweetly. “He’s just waiting for me to be the one to say it first.” She looks to me then. “It’s funny how the literal opposite he is of my brother.”