Total pages in book: 128
Estimated words: 124320 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 622(@200wpm)___ 497(@250wpm)___ 414(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 124320 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 622(@200wpm)___ 497(@250wpm)___ 414(@300wpm)
And that was it. We were married. Kimba said we shouldn’t tell the grown-ups because they wouldn’t understand, and we should wait ’til we were older. She always seemed to know best, so I agreed.
“Ezra,” Aiko prods. “Would marriage make a difference?”
I clear my throat, refocusing my attention to look her straight in the eye. “No, I don’t think we should get married, but you keep bringing up this open relationship. Tell me the truth. Is there someone you want to sleep with?”
To her credit, she doesn’t flinch, but I know her. That left eye twitches, which gives her away when she tries to lie or hide something from me. It’s how I always beat her in poker.
“There’s a guy I might…” She tightens the kimono belt at her small waist. “Might be interested in. You know the photography safari I’m going on next week?”
“Yeah.”
“He’s, um, going, too,” she says quickly, licking her lips.
Now it makes sense. She wants me to agree to this ridiculous open relationship so she and her fuck buddy can have at it for a month in the Serengeti.
“It’s not just me,” she says hastily. “An open relationship would mean expanding the parameters of fidelity for us both. I know you’ve been faithful. So have I, always, but isn’t there someone you’ve…ya know, been attracted to?”
I swallow hard, not quite catching the memory I suppress on a regular basis before it rises up to torture me. Kimba Allen, all grown up and grieving at her father’s funeral two years ago. So lush leaning into me. I wasn’t prepared for the hug—hadn’t expected to feel her. The elegant black dress had caressed her full, firm curves, and I’d curled my hand reflexively at her waist. I hadn’t wanted to let go. As children we’d been close, but the thing I felt when I saw Kimba for the first time since the summer of ninth grade? It was more. Instantly more, and the kind of attraction a man feels for a woman. In just those few moments, it felt real and deep in a way I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had. By then, Aiko and I were already in counseling and things weren’t great. My strong response to Kimba warned it wouldn’t be wise to maintain contact, but I’d still started the question.
“Should we…”
Exchange numbers? Stay in touch? Hold on tight?
I didn’t ask, but she looked at me, read me, I think.
And answered the question with goodbye.
She saw my son. She saw Aiko. She may have even felt the instant connection that sprang fully born inside of me as soon as I laid eyes on her after twenty years, and she knew it was dangerous. So did I, but some reckless part of me wanted to say fuck it. Message me. Talk to me. Sit on the phone with me for hours and I’ll listen to you breathe.
Just come back into my life, Tru. I want to keep feeling this.
But I didn’t say any of that, and she said goodbye and I went home with my family.
And that was right.
But the suit I wore to that funeral carried her scent for weeks. I furtively sniffed the lapels, hungry to inhale what was left of her in the fibers.
“There’s no one in particular,” I lie. “But again, I’m not standing in your way.”
“So you’re fine with me and Chaz.” She looks down at the silk belt she rubs between her fingers. “That’s his name, Chaz. You’re fine if we—”
“An open relationship isn’t the answer.” I lift her chin, coaxing her to meet my eyes. “I want to be with someone who only wants to be with me, and it would kill me if she was with someone else. You and I want different things.”
“Isn’t there a part of you that still wants me?” she asks, her voice husky, desperate.
I glance down at her slim loveliness. She’s beautiful and some men would kill for what I have, but I don’t feel that for Aiko anymore. I don’t know when it stopped exactly, but I do know for weeks when I would open that closet and catch the slightest lingering trace of Kimba’s scent, I’d go fully erect. I have a semi now just thinking about her. Guilt gnaws at my insides, and I step back from Aiko. I wish so many things were different, but if any one thing had changed, I might not have Noah, and he’s the best thing to ever happen to me.
“I want you to be happy, Ko.” I bend to kiss her forehead and squeeze her shoulder. “I’m not made for an open relationship, but I’m releasing you from this one.”
“Ezra.” She closes her eyes, and a tear slips over her cheek. “Oh, God. Is this really happening?”
So this is what the end feels like. Like rolling down a hill for years, wondering if you’ll ever land in a ravine, and then stopping suddenly. Crashing. Abrupt. Painful.