Total pages in book: 79
Estimated words: 90772 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 454(@200wpm)___ 363(@250wpm)___ 303(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 90772 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 454(@200wpm)___ 363(@250wpm)___ 303(@300wpm)
He was the kind of man I went for. Well, the kind I went for now, anyway. I thought I had him all figured out. It drove me crazy at first when I couldn’t get his attention. I made frequent suggestive comments to him but he never reacted. He was always so focused on his laptop, working away for hours on end. And then, like clockwork, he would look up and scan the library. His eyes would pause on me for a moment, but then quickly moved on. His gaze never lingered on me long enough to make me think he wanted more.
Little did I know he was well aware of me. It became quite evident when he grabbed me one afternoon, pushed me up against one of the bookshelves and asked “Do you wear those fucking skirts to drive me nuts?” I simply pushed him back against the stack of shelves behind him. I reached under my skirt and pulled my thong down my legs. I handed him the fabric, but before he could respond, I walked away. “I won’t tell if you smell them,” I tossed over my shoulder. I saw him from the corner of my eye as he put them to his nose. Dirty fucker.
We had plans for a date soon after.
Lays told me I should watch out for him. She said he looked like a man who would keep me if he wanted me, regardless of my thoughts on the matter. But I don’t let men keep me anymore…or so I thought. What do moms tell their daughters? To stay away from those bad boys. Even my own mother told me that. The difference between the bad boys and the good boys is the bad boys show you who they are. They don’t hide their true nature behind a suit, impeccable manners and a few college degrees. Nope. You know what you’re getting with them. All I ever wanted was a good time, to show myself I was free after I got out of Nick’s grip, but Saint made me want more. I got a taste of it with him, and those dreams I had pushed down for so long started to rise again. Saint made me think I could have what I always wanted, what had been ripped away from me. And then, when some of the truth came out, I thought I’d been tricked once again—tricked into believing something that wasn’t real, something I could never have.
I felt gutted when I realized he’d entered my life under false pretenses. I went and fell for another man who was hiding who he really was. This time the betrayal hurt worse because I actually loved Saint, and I wasn’t supposed to be that dumb girl anymore. I was strong now, independent. I used men. They didn't use me. I always liked the sweet, smart guys. It’s why I went for Nick, but with Saint, I got it all: the bad boy who was so good to me. I didn’t even know how to react to the things he did for me. And talk about smart. Saint was as fucking sharp as a goddamn blade.
I don’t know how he did it. He bulldozed into my life while still letting me feel like I always had control. How he does this I have no idea. I tried to shake him loose at first, but then he started throwing those “Mamas” and little jokes at me and he had me caving every time. But when I found out he was in my life because he was watching Lays for Carter, I lost it. I wanted him gone. I didn’t want to look at him because it reminded me of all of it—of how I was made a fool of once again. But the worst part was that it drove me crazier when he was gone. And then I only got madder.
Saint couldn’t win either way. He’d show up and I’d give him hell, or he wouldn’t show up and I would just be more pissed the next time I saw him. I was miserable and I wanted him to be miserable with me. But every time I tried to hurt him, it was like he didn’t care. It wasn’t that he didn’t care because he was done with me, but because if I wanted to throw blows, he was more than happy to take them for me. All this did was make me love him more. See? Sharp as a fucking blade.
Stretching one of my arms, I can’t tell if my body is sore from last night’s marathon fucking or because of the hits I took yesterday. It doesn’t really matter. I enjoy the burn. The aches Saint left on me might be sweeter, but the ones I earned yesterday reminded me that, this time, I fought back. I didn’t run.
Slinging my leg over Saint’s body, I move closer into his embrace. When he found me yesterday, when I saw he came for me, I knew it was time to stop fighting him. It was time to stop hurting us. Life is too short. Saint is nothing like Nick. He wanted to save me from pain not cause it. For a moment I thought my life was splintering apart again, that the loss of control was slipping through my fingers once more. There’s nothing like thinking you have no power. It’s an all-consuming fear. But deep down I know Saint would pick up my splintered pieces and put them back together again. Or help me put them back together if I let him. If I let him in. I can see now I’m fighting the inevitable. Because I think he would wait forever for me.
“You look like you’re thinking really hard, Mama,” he says, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“You knew you would get me back, didn’t you?” I whisper, not looking up at him. He knew I would be back in his arms.
“I’m pretty sure I told you that the first night I had you, or rather you had me.”