Total pages in book: 91
Estimated words: 88402 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 442(@200wpm)___ 354(@250wpm)___ 295(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88402 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 442(@200wpm)___ 354(@250wpm)___ 295(@300wpm)
“I wanted to be positive he was sure. It’s one thing to say it, but when he said we could talk to you and Ans, and then he didn’t, I was afraid he changed his mind and didn’t feel comfortable. At least with Anson, he always knew he was queer. It’s not like that with Darren, and at this point, he doesn’t even know how he identifies.”
“He doesn’t have to know. That’s not a rule. There are no rules.”
“It’s different for him. He needs that.” Some people did, some didn’t. That’s just the way it was.
West nodded. “Then he’ll figure it out.”
I walked over to their living room window and looked out, my back to West. “I just…don’t want to screw this up. He’s… Just seeing his name on my phone makes me smile. He gets me, and somehow, I get him too. There’s something there I can’t explain, and I’m scared as hell that I’m setting myself up for heartbreak. Again, with Anson, he was gay. He always knew he was gay. He wouldn’t have been happy if he hadn’t been with a man. With Darren, this is all so fucking new for him. He’s stressed out about labels and what this means for him. He’s not gay. He has options, and I don’t mean that in a bi-people-can’t-decide sort of way, but as in, a straight dude who likes getting off with me might decide he doesn’t want to anymore.”
“If he likes getting off with you that much, he’s not straight, Jere, and you know it.”
Well…there was that. “But that doesn’t mean he won’t decide he is. How someone identifies is completely personal. You can’t tell someone else how to do it.” I sighed. “Then let’s think about football: are the Lightning really going to want to not only be the only team in the league with an out gay player, but two queer players? That’s a lot of fucking media attention that they might not want. It’s a lot to have to deal with. People say it’s not a big deal, but if that were true, why has every NFL player before Anson waited until they stopped playing to come out? Statistics say there have to be more players. What about other sports? Where are all the queer players if it doesn’t matter? And what if this works and then he gets traded because of me? Or Anson gets traded because of us? I know that’s a long shot, but it can happen.” Sports had their own rules. It was a whole different ball game, pun intended, and Atlanta was going to have all the queer players? And that wasn’t going to become a thing? A joke? I couldn’t see it happening.
“Then you and Darren deal with it together. Or Anson and I deal with it together. It wouldn’t be your fault. It’s not because of you. If that happens, it’s because people fucking suck.”
I agreed with him on that last part. “It would feel like it was my fault, though, and it would come between us.”
“Maybe it would and maybe it wouldn’t. You should talk to Darren about this stuff, and remember, he’s a grown-ass man who can make his own decisions. If you move forward, it’s because both of you want it. Nothing would be your fault. I’m pretty sure you told me similar things about Anson.”
“That was different.”
“It always is, man.” We laughed. “You’re crazy about him, aren’t you?”
There was no point in trying to hide it. “I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt this way before.”
“Not even with Bobby?”
“It’s hard to explain. Bobby came into my life at a time when I really needed someone. I’m not saying that what we had wasn’t real, because it was, but I’m a different man than I was when I met him. Darren…he makes me feel alive, West, when I didn’t know I was dead before.”
“Welcome to the emotional torture I’ve felt ever since I met Anson,” he teased.
“But it’s not torture, is it?”
“No.” He shook his head. “It is the best kind of pleasure.”
I was waiting to get to the pleasure part, when I’d know we were secure and everything would be okay.
“Whoa! Did you see that pass by Darren Eagle-Eyes Edwards? He’s been on fire all season, but he’s taking it to the next level tonight!” one of the commentators announced. I knew it was silly, but I wanted to listen to the game as I watched. I enjoyed hearing what was said as it happened, so my phone played the game, while I kept one ear bud in to listen, but watched live.
“Yeah, I have to agree with you. This is really his season. He’s always been one of the best players in the league, but he’s playing like he has something to prove,” the second commentator replied.