Total pages in book: 114
Estimated words: 108483 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 542(@200wpm)___ 434(@250wpm)___ 362(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 108483 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 542(@200wpm)___ 434(@250wpm)___ 362(@300wpm)
Mena whistles and sends me a wide grin. “Well, look at you. Those are all great options.”
“Yeah, but I graduate in a few months, and I’m still figuring out which is the right one. Nothing feels like it.”
I’m like this river, twisting through Arizona’s hills and forking along the way, each tributary leading somewhere different, directing the flow of water in a new direction. You can’t take them all at once. Not for the first time, I recall running to the four directions when I was thirteen, gathering the elements into myself. Which way should I go?
“Maybe it will become clear while you’re away,” Mena offers.
“Somehow, I don’t think Viv and Kimba have meditative pursuits planned for spring break,” I chuckle, plucking at the sun-fried grass.
“Amsterdam, huh? That should be fun.”
“Yeah, Vivienne’s best friend Aya goes to college over there. She’s half Dutch and has promised to show us everything.”
“You’re so lucky. Make the most of your time there.” She gives me a teasing look. “And maybe finally find a man.”
“Auntie!” I fake a scandalized tone and expression. Mena has never been shy about her love of a fine man. “Well, I never.”
“Exactly. You’ve never,” Mena says, her chuckle knowing and throaty. “And, girl, you have no idea what you’re missing.”
I’m picky. I know that. My bar is high, and I haven’t found a man I wanted to take that final step with, to give my body to. I dated a few guys in college, had a good time, and even experienced real passion. But when it came down to it, I just didn’t want to be with any of them that way. I’ve taken the elements into my body. The first time I take a man into my body, I want it to mean something to me.
“I’m not judging you or anyone else,” I tell Mena. “Believe me. I know I’m in the virgin minority, but I’m just not that pressed. When it happens, it’ll happen, and I think I’ll know who that first time should be with.”
“I’m not rushing you, honey. I see too many girls down at the reservation clinic pregnant and stuck with a baby before they’re ready. I say anything you’re not ready for, just wait. That includes sex.” She slides me a wicked grin. “But, oh, when you find the man worthy to crack that code.”
“I’m not a safe, Auntie,” I protest with a short laugh.
“I think you are.” Her eyes and mouth sober. “I also think something kind of froze in you when your mama disappeared. I wish you’d kept seeing that therapist. I told Rand one session wasn’t nearly enough.”
My good humor slips, too, but I force a grin, hoping to restore it. “I have a ten-year plan, and the therapist doesn’t happen until around year eight.”
“You’ll have to let yourself feel again, Lennix. I see it, you know? That reserve you have with everyone. That guard that locks into place when you feel anyone you could care about getting too close.”
She’s right. Something inside me did flounder, fall when Mama never came home. That hurt is a dull ache I’m not sure will ever go away. Better not tempt fate to do that to me again. My father? Well, it’s too late to block him out. And if the Sunrise Dance hadn’t tied us together inextricably, the past eight years when Mena has surrogated for my mother time and time again would have. I have my best friends I made at college, Vivienne and Kimba, but that’s about it. Anyone beyond them stands outside a closed circle. I think again, as I do unreasonably often, of the man I only knew by his first name, Maxim. Something about him stormed through my defenses right away even though I was too young for anything with him.
“Lennix,” Mena says and snaps her fingers in my face. “You hear me talking to you, girl?”
“Sorry, Auntie.” I pass a hand over my eyes, blinking away the image of a young, handsome man who’d traveled far to protest with us. With my tribe but, ultimately, with me. He took a dog bite that was intended for me, and as I think of it, I don’t know if I ever properly thanked him. “I was daydreaming, I guess. What’d you say?”
“I said let’s do what we came here for, to clear your mind and set your heart.” She nods to the river.
The sun may be warm, but that river is freezing. It wouldn’t be the first time its rushing frigidity set me to rights and cleared my head.
“Let’s do it.” I stand and strip away my denim cutoff shorts and peel the tank top over my head to reveal my one-piece bathing suit.
Aunt Mena does the same until she wears only a black sports bra and boy-leg underwear. She was a little older than my mother, but they had been friends since they were girls. She’s still relatively young, barely over forty, and in great shape from the yoga she does outdoors every day. Makes me wonder what Mama would be like if she were still here.