Total pages in book: 150
Estimated words: 143633 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 718(@200wpm)___ 575(@250wpm)___ 479(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 143633 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 718(@200wpm)___ 575(@250wpm)___ 479(@300wpm)
And it made my heart glow more when I saw the way Peter’s shoulders loosened as he shared stories, and the way Lola was grinning at him so happily. And it made my heart glow when she squeezed my knee, acknowledging in one simple gesture that things were going well.
“Time to get the steaks on,” Julian said after a while, and he gave Peter another slap on the shoulder as he got up. “Fancy joining me? We can try another whisky while it sizzles.”
“Sure thing. I’ll peel the spuds, if you like.”
Lola turned to me the moment they were out of view.
“This is epic, thank you. Seriously, I haven’t seen him like this when we’re out since it all blew up. It’s great to see him chill. He needs it.”
“So does Julian.”
“What about you?” she asked. “You must need it, too. You’re getting loads of shit too around here.”
I shrugged as I got a revelation. I was getting loads of shit, sure, but I wasn’t feeling it driving into my ribcage anymore. I barely noticed the whispers at college, and everyone could fuck off if they jeered at me on the way home. I’d never really given a toss about what anyone thought, because I didn’t really get on with anyone. I didn’t care about anyone. Not outside of Mum. Finally, being an unpopular loner had its benefits.
“I’m alright actually,” I said. “I just hate being without Mum.”
“Your family is pretty small, isn’t it?”
“My family is just Mum. Or it was, before Julian came along.” I took another sip of wine. “So, there you go. Nobody to give a stuff about. I’m the lucky one out of the lot of us.”
“What about Jayden? Scottie’s son? You cared about him, didn’t you?”
I did get a pang at that. An oversight.
“He’s keeping his distance. He probably despises me now his dad’s gone.”
“I bet he misses him. No matter what his dad did. I mean, his dad is his dad, right? I hope that my mum still loves me under the surface, no matter what choices I’ve made. And you must feel the same about yours. So, Jayden is going to miss his dad, isn’t he? No matter what an utter piece of shit he is.”
“Yeah.”
She was right on that. Scottie could have set the world on fire, and Jayden’s loyalty would never fade. It could be buried, and fought, and Jayden could kick and scream, and tell his dad what an utter asshole he was, but it wouldn’t stop the love. Jayden would always forgive him.
I only hoped it would be the same for Lola and me. And for Peter, too. I hoped family always came back. Loyal, even when they hated the choices we’d made.
And what about Julian?
I got a tickle of unease at that thought. Like a ghost of a wave up my back.
“What?” Lola said, reading me.
“I was just wondering,” I said, with the wine loosening my tongue. “Since we’re so hopeful that our families will forgive us one day, surely Julian must be, too.”
“I would guess so. He must miss them like hell. He has kids, and a granddaughter. Didn’t you say he has a brother, too?”
“Michael, yeah.”
“Has he reached out to them?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so. Not that I know of. He doesn’t think there’s any point, because they’ll never forgive him. He was never going to forgive himself.”
“But then he met you. And he’s feeling a bit different now. He must be. He looks really happy. You should be proud.”
That made me grin, happy that I’d been able to help him feel happy like that. “Yeah, you’re right. I do feel proud.”
“Do you think he’ll try reaching out to them, now that he’s feeling a bit better? The worst they can do is shout and scream some more.”
I got another tickle again, like a ghost as she carried on talking.
“Imagine how much easier things would be for him if they ever did forgive him. Oxford might welcome him back, eventually. One day.”
I had a weird contradiction in my gut at that. I’d be ecstatic for him, I really would, but if he had that kind of choice… to return to Oxford and his life there… or stay here, in Crenham, with me… which would he choose? Would his family ever be able to accept him being with me, even if they did forgive him? I doubted that. But if he left me. If he chose them…
Would I want him to choose them? Could I be that selfless?
I’d always hoped Mum would choose me over her partners. Maybe Julian’s children would feel like that, too…
Lola seemed to sense my nerves.
“Don’t worry. He’s not going to ditch you. No way. He’s absolutely besotted with you. You can see it. He looks at you like you’re his meaning for living.”