Total pages in book: 150
Estimated words: 143633 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 718(@200wpm)___ 575(@250wpm)___ 479(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 143633 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 718(@200wpm)___ 575(@250wpm)___ 479(@300wpm)
I got the pizza slices ready for the microwave but had to brace myself against the counter, frustrated. I’d heard Mum’s different mantras all my life.
Not smart enough. Not hot enough. Not good enough.
Too dumb. Too ugly. Too weak. Too pathetic. Too useless.
Too worthless for anyone to love…
But I loved her. ME. I loved her with everything I had.
“You’re better off without him, Bev,” I heard Trisha say. “There’s never any smoke without fire. He’s called a sicko for a reason. He probably hangs out at school gates. Fucking paedo.”
I’d love to know just who said Julian was a sicko, and what he’d done to earn their crappy judgement. He hardly seemed like a criminal to me. This whole place was full of idiots, with their own reels of bullshit to add to everything.
I pulled myself together enough to heat the pizza slices, then presented them on a plate. Mum ignored it, still streaming depressive tears and preferring wine, but Trisha tucked in with a thanks. I had no interest in eating with her.
Neither of them acknowledged me as I walked away.
I took off my cap and laid on my bed, staring up at the ceiling as my mind ran through the craziness. If only Mum had replied to my messages, or answered my call, maybe I could have stalled her. Maybe she wouldn’t have gone up there. But this sorry mess wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my decision to go upstairs trashed, trying to seduce a guy I barely knew.
I’d usually be right in there with Mum, sobbing alongside her, but for once, I wasn’t entirely on her side.
I screwed my eyes shut as a fresh round of sobs sounded from the living room. You’d think Mum would have been more devastated by her ex-boyfriend trying to strangle her than she would by a guy saying no, thank you to a date, but no. It didn’t change the fact Mum was Mum, though. It didn’t change the fact that I cared about her more than life itself.
I was grateful when Trisha upped and left at just gone midnight, telling Mum that Julian was a sicko again on her way. Mum was still sitting on the sofa, staring into miserable space as I locked us in and bolted the door.
I took a seat beside her.
“It’s only one night. You might still get to know him.”
You’d have thought the outcome was set in stone from the way she shook her head.
“It’s obvious he doesn’t think I’m good enough. He doesn’t want to get to know me, and I don’t blame him.”
“You don’t know that. You can’t know that yet,” I said. “If you’d have answered my calls earlier, I would’ve said it wasn’t a great idea to go charging up there after one single night.”
She looked so hurt. “Oh, right. So, I’m in the wrong now, am I? I’m not good enough and shouldn’t have even tried?”
I wanted to shake her. Seriously wanted to shake her. It was another case of her being the lovestruck teenager while I tried to be the parent, and tonight I’d had enough.
“I’m going to bed,” I said. “I’ve got another shift in the morning.”
She looked shocked. “You’re leaving me?”
“I’m not leaving you. I’m going to bed. Maybe you should get some sleep too. You’ve got work earlier than me.”
“I won’t be going. I’m too upset to handle it. I’ll be up all night, with nobody with me. Story of my fucking miserable life.”
That was utter crap. I was always there with her.
I sighed. “Go to bed, Mum.”
“I won’t be able to sleep.”
“Please, Mum. Just go to bed.”
“There’s no point. I feel too fucking shit.”
My usual sweet self would be right there beside her, doing whatever it took to make her happy, but for once, I left her to it. I gave her a hug before I left, but she barely hugged me back, her lip trembling with the heartache. I almost wobbled with my resolve but I couldn’t. I needed to be ok for work. I needed to bring the cash in, for both of us.
I checked the bathroom cabinet carefully for packets of meds as I brushed my teeth. Mum hadn’t used the threat in years, but it still made me paranoid whenever I saw her crying. There were only a few painkillers and some indigestion pills, but I never wanted to take any chances. I took them with me to my bedroom.
In all honesty, I stood no more chance of sleeping tonight than she did. My stomach was churning with hurt, and fear, and guilt. My thoughts spun with how I could have tried harder to prepare the way for her, but I came back to my senses at that. I’d tried hard enough with Julian. He just wasn’t interested in Mum, especially not when she was stumbling drunk after a pub session.