Total pages in book: 127
Estimated words: 122219 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 611(@200wpm)___ 489(@250wpm)___ 407(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 122219 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 611(@200wpm)___ 489(@250wpm)___ 407(@300wpm)
Our breaths were uneven as we lay there, dripping in sweat from head to toe.
Something changed between us, yet I wasn’t ready to unpack exactly what it meant.
At that moment, I simply wanted to be there fully, unafraid of what the future could bring.
Nathan sighed as he pulled me into the curvature of his body. “After that, I feel like I should smoke a cigarette and head to the kitchen to make you a sandwich,” he joked.
I snickered and rested my head against his chest. Against his heartbeat. “Extra mayo, please.”
He pulled back slightly and looked at me with wonderment in his eyes.
I raised my eyebrow. “What is it?”
“Nothing,” he said, falling back to his pillow. “I’m just trying to figure it out.”
“Figure what out?”
“How I lived all these years without you.”
31
AVERY
Get up, Avery.
No, no, no.
It wasn’t supposed to go like that. Not after the night I shared with Nathan. I was supposed to wake up and be okay. I was supposed to wake up and crawl out of my bed and be on cloud nine from not only winning the game the day prior but also for having the best sex of my life.
I wasn’t supposed to feel so…defeated.
But what if I’d made a mistake sleeping with Nathan? What if what we’d done changed everything? We were doing so good. There was no reason I should’ve let it get as far as it did the night before, but I wanted it so badly. I wanted him so badly.
Still…
Now my mind was trying to convince me of everything that could’ve gone wrong.
If you don’t work out, the team could suffer, Avery.
Why would you let him back into your life after he left you before?
What happens now? You fall in love? Get real. You don’t do love. People don’t love you. People leave you.
My mind was getting louder and louder as I turned in the bed. I looked to my right, and Nathan was still lying beside me, his eyes closed.
A small smile sat against his lips as he muttered, “You up?”
I held my hands to my chest. “I am,” I whispered. “Have you been awake for a while?”
“Yes, but I wanted to wake up with you.” He opened his eyes and moved the falling pieces of my hair from my face. “Good morning.”
I tried to push out a smile, but it faltered. “Morning.”
He pushed himself up on his elbows and looked down at me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Nothing. Everything’s fine.”
He frowned. He fell back down to the bed and moved in closer, brushing his nose against mine. “Avery…what’s wrong? Was it last night?” Guilt flashed across his eyes. “Did you not want to—”
“No.” I shook my head. “Last night was…perfect. It’s not you, it’s me.”
“That’s the last thing anyone wants to hear after a night of sex.”
“No, I mean it. It’s me, Nathan. I’m a little messed up sometimes.”
“How so?”
“I don’t know. I struggle to…” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Sometimes it’s hard.”
“What’s hard?”
I blinked my eyes open, and a few tears trailed down my cheeks. “Everything.”
The guilt that once laced his stare shifted to care and concern. And understanding. Maybe that soothed my troubled soul the most—the understanding of his stare. “Are you sad, Avery?”
“Yes.”
“Do you know why?”
“No.”
“But sometimes, is it hard for you to get out of bed?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Okay.” He moved in closer and wrapped his arms around me. “Then we’ll stay in bed today.”
Hours passed of him holding me. He didn’t complain for a second, even when I kept offering him my apologies.
“Don’t worry,” he told me as he pushed himself up to a sitting position. His back leaned against the headboard as he looked down at me. “There was a long period of my life when I couldn’t get out of bed, either.”
I sat up and leaned against the headboard. “You too?”
“Me too.” He brushed his thumb against his nose. “After Mickey passed away, I couldn’t get out of bed, no matter how hard I tried. Then even when I felt as if I should’ve been able to get up, I still couldn’t. It was as if my mind was cementing my body into the bed. No matter how many good things happened, it was just hard to…exist.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “Just like that. How did you get through it?”
“I found my beams.”
“Your beams? What does that mean?”
“My therapist told me that when I was going through my darkest moments. She told me to look for my sunbeams. She said that people who are sad often try to dive headfirst into feeling better. They go to extremes and try hard to climb out of the darkness to feel the sun’s full burst of joy again. They try so hard to get back to a feeling from their past when they felt the happiness.”
“Yeah. I do try to chase the high of past happy moments.”