Total pages in book: 75
Estimated words: 78521 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 393(@200wpm)___ 314(@250wpm)___ 262(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 78521 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 393(@200wpm)___ 314(@250wpm)___ 262(@300wpm)
“Do you? Do you really?” Before she can answer, I continue. “Because I don’t think you do. You don’t understand me.”
She lifts her eyebrows, her eyes turning to circles, the tears still threatening. “I don’t understand you? How am I supposed to understand you when you keep things from me?”
“Point taken,” I say, even-tempered. “So let me enlighten you about something.”
Oh? What are your hard limits?
I only have one.
What is it?
I don’t talk about it.
Don’t you think I should know? So I don’t bring it up?
Trust me, Skye. You will never bring it up.
I was so wrong. She did, indeed, bring up my one hard limit.
“All right. I’m listening.”
“I told you once that I only have one hard limit.”
She nods.
“It’s neck binding. Breath control. Choking. I won’t do it. Ever.”
“Choking is taboo,” she says. “You told me once you love the forbidden.”
“I do.”
“Then why?” she asks. “Why won’t you do this?”
God, the memory. Addie. Loss of consciousness. The hospital. I don’t talk about it. I can’t talk about it. But maybe, if I throw her a bone…
“Why? Perhaps I’ll tell you why…as soon as you tell me why you feel you need it.”
“I…don’t know.”
I inhale. Exhale. Inhale again. She doesn’t know the answer, but it is inside her, and she needs to find it.
“For God’s sake, Braden,” she finally says. “Can you show me some emotion for once in your life?”
I cock my head as my nostrils flare. Anger curls at the back of my neck.
She fucking broke me, for God’s sake! Emotion is now as much a part of my life as breathing is.
“You think I don’t show you emotion?” I stand. “How can you say that? I’ve shown you more emotion than I’ve ever shown anyone. Anyone, Skye. If you don’t know that, you should.”
“Braden—”
“No. You don’t talk. Not until I’m done. I told you who I was. I told you I wasn’t wired for relationships. But I made an exception for you. I made that exception because I love you, Skye. I wasn’t looking to fall in love. I knew it would put a dent in my life—”
“A dent, Braden? I’m a fucking dent?”
“Shut up! Just shut the fuck up, Skye. I will have my say, and then you can have yours. If you’re brave enough.”
“Brave enough? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know exactly what it means, and if you interrupt me again, this discussion is over.”
Her lips tremble as she nods.
I clear my throat, forcing my anger into my gut. I will hold myself together.
“I made an exception for you. I decided to have a relationship—or try, at least—but I fear this little experiment of mine has failed.”
Already I hate myself for the words. Little experiment? Skye is so much more than that. She’s not an experiment at all. She’s the woman I love. I couldn’t give her up.
Except I have to.
It will kill me, but I have to.
“The club is about pleasure,” I say.
“I know that. I get pleasure there.”
“You do. But you get something else, as well. Something that’s important to you, and that’s what you need to face before we can continue in a relationship.”
She fingers my collar still around her neck. “Braden, please…”
“I love you, Skye.” I tunnel my fingers through my hair and then rub my forehead. “I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of loving another human being. But you want something I can’t give you. Something I’ll never be willing to give you.”
She gulps. “I can live without the choking.”
I trail a finger across her forehead and down her temple. “Can you? Because this isn’t just about the choking. It’s about more than pleasure. More than pain. More than my dominance over you and your submission to me. You’re punishing yourself, Skye, and I can’t be a part of it.”
She shakes her head vehemently. “But you… You punish me all the time!”
“That’s my prerogative. Not yours.”
“I get that. And you’re wrong. I love everything we do. You know that. I’m not punishing myself. Why would I do that?”
I kiss her forehead. It’s not lost on me that it’s more of a kiss to a sad child than to a lover.
There’s a little girl inside Skye who is trying to punish herself, and I can’t—I won’t—be a part of it.
Numbness settles around me.
I can’t lose her.
I can’t.
But I can’t give her what she wants.
And I can’t be with her—not in the kind of relationship we both want—until she figures a few things out.
“Why would you punish yourself?” I finally ask, staring past her and out the window. “That’s a question you need to answer.”
She swallows down a choking sob.
And though I never cry, I feel the lump in my throat as well.
She’s lost. So lost.
And so am I.
Because I’m about to lose the only woman I’ve ever loved.