Total pages in book: 109
Estimated words: 101796 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 509(@200wpm)___ 407(@250wpm)___ 339(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 101796 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 509(@200wpm)___ 407(@250wpm)___ 339(@300wpm)
But before he can come back, I manage to close the door, then reach up to flip the lock. The sound is like a pin piercing a balloon, and now whatever was keeping my panic locked away is gone.
Breathe. In. Out. I’m not dying. This is not going to kill me. It’s a panic attack, that’s all. My heart isn’t going to burst out of my chest, even if that’s how it feels. The cold sweat along the back of my neck will go away. I’ll be okay. I’ll get through this. One breath at a time.
I’m safe. Closing my eyes, I rest my head against the door and return to my slow, measured breathing. I’m safe. Nothing’s going to hurt me. I have to force myself to tune into the feeling of the floor under me, the door at my back. They’re both sturdy and cool, and they’re supporting me. I am supported. I am safe.
It feels like it takes forever for my heartbeat to slow down a little. It doesn’t hurt so much in my chest once I slowly open my eyes again to gaze at the room that’s mine as of today. To distract my brain, I study everything slowly, one thing at a time. The big, four-poster bed that does make my comforter look cheap. The pair of windows that look out over one side of the property with its emerald-green lawn. Not a weed in sight out there. Another huge difference from the neighborhood we’ve just moved from. That was more weeds than grass on the tiny strips of lawn in front of each house.
The closet is ten times bigger than I’ll ever need. I’m pretty sure it’s bigger than my old bedroom. Mom’s first words when she took a look at it ring in my head. “Finally, I can afford to start dressing you the way a girl should dress.” Right, because that’s all that matters. Not whether I want to wear the clothes she thinks will look good on me. It’s amazing she can manage to look at me at all, since I’m so completely wrong in every way.
No, I’m not thinking about that right now. I’m trying to calm myself down, not send myself into another panic attack as I imagine being dragged from store to store, forced to try on clothes I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving the house in. Having every inch of me poked and prodded and criticized. That’s future stuff, anyway. It’s not happening now. I have to focus on the present.
The bathroom door sits diagonally from where I’m curled up on the floor with my knees pulled up to my chest. That’s one positive in all of this, having my own bathroom where there will be room for my things and not just Mom’s. I need to look for whatever little bit of happiness I can get out of this situation.
Finally, I’m myself again. I can push myself up from the shiny floor and go to the dresser to pull out a pair of pajamas. After the day I’ve had, all I want is to sleep. Not only because my body is tired after the crazy rush of last-minute packing. It’s my only escape. My dreams are the only place where I can be myself. Where I don’t have to be afraid to catch the wrong person’s eye or breathe too hard or attract attention in any other way. I don’t constantly feel like I’m under attack.
The way I feel right now. It’s been a while since Carter left, and I haven’t heard anything from him outside the locked door, but that doesn’t mean he’s not planning something. He won’t stop until he breaks me down and watches me crumble.
Just another thing to hate him for. When I crawl into bed, what should be comforting is anything but. What if he decides to come back? What if he has a key? Of course he would. This is his house. I’m sure he could find it if he wanted to. The dresser sits against the wall, close to the door, but it’s way too big for me to think about sliding over to block his entrance.
Meaning all I can do is lie in bed and stare at the door while the lamp on the nightstand glows. He might not come in tonight, but I need to be ready, just in case he does.
THREE
Carter
Family dinners aren’t bad enough. Now we have to have family breakfast, too. Pretty soon we’ll be wearing matching clothes.
“Big day for you.” I’ve never seen anyone try to force a smile on somebody else until now, watching Dad aim his smile at Elliana like a weapon. I believe his heart’s in the right place. It’s his brain I’m worried about. “First day of classes at a new school.”