Total pages in book: 68
Estimated words: 64493 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 322(@200wpm)___ 258(@250wpm)___ 215(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 64493 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 322(@200wpm)___ 258(@250wpm)___ 215(@300wpm)
“How? Because we’re older? Wiser? No, we’re still the same stupid kids we always were. Summer was always the end for us. The date is fuzzy this time. August thirty-first, tomorrow, or maybe sometime next month. I want to say I’m flexible, but I’m nervous now and I’m losing myself by hiding in the shadows like a dirty secret.”
I was sweating now. “You’re not a secret.”
“Vinnie, I’m the dirtiest secret you’ve ever had. I’m your downfall, your ruin. I’m the scariest person you know and I fucking hate it,” he said in a manic rush. “I don’t want to be the one who brings you shame. Never again. Not me. I’m sorry. This is terrible timing, but—”
“Stop. Just…stop.” Blood drained from my face so fast I felt dizzy. “None of that’s true. You’re the best thing in my life and if you didn’t know that, you know it now. I’m fucking crazy about you. What can I do? What do you want?”
He hesitated for a beat. “Something you can’t give me.”
“Bullshit. I can give you everything,” I insisted. “Anything. Name it.”
He cast a nervous glance at the row of hedges. “Vinnie…”
“Talk to me. Tell me what you want, Nol. Please.”
“Okay…I want a happy-ever-after. A real relationship. I want marriage, I want kids, I want animals, I want summers at the lake, I want winters at home by the fire, I want smooth ice and time to skate, I want quiet Sunday mornings, thunderstorms, and lightning bugs. I want one man. Forever. And I know it’s a fairy tale and I bet I just freaked you the fuck out, and I’m sorry for that. I just…” Nolan bit his lip and glanced away briefly. His voice cracked when he added, “You have another life out there with obligations and complications, and…I understand that, but I’ve loved you for a long time, Vin. I don’t think I’m ever gonna shake you, and I can’t pretend that I’m okay with a piece of you. So maybe it’s easier if we just…go back to being friends.”
“No. No way.”
“Vinnie…”
My Adam’s apple bobbed in my throat. I clenched my jaw and balled my hands into fists as if it might help me from spinning out of control. “Nol…I don’t want that.”
“Me either, but…I think we both know it’s the best we can do,” he whispered.
Nolan kissed my cheek, mumbled something about checking in with the kitchen and walked away.
And me?
I felt like I’d just taken a bullet to the chest.
No joke. I couldn’t fucking breathe. I flopped onto the bench and leaned forward with my elbows on my knees, willing my pulse to steady. It wasn’t working. Voices and laughter buzzed in the air with a hundred or more of our friends and family nearby and I was slowly bleeding out.
I wasn’t one for introspection, but I knew I’d been here before. Always keeping secrets, always hiding in the shadows, always guarding something tinged with shame. It killed me that he’d put his name on this burden and carried it like a suitcase for years. And I’d let him.
I hadn’t meant to hurt him, but I hadn’t been brave enough to tell the truth either.
After all these years, I didn’t know where to begin.
14
NOLAN
Knock, knock
Ding-dong
I squinted at my watch. 7:28 a.m.
Knock, knock
I pulled on a pair of PJ bottoms and stumbled downstairs, rubbing sleep from my eyes as I pulled the door open, and—
“Mom? What are you doing here?”
“You left the party early and you weren’t answering your phone, and quite frankly, I was worried.” She cupped my chin and gave me a head-to-toe once-over. “You look all right.”
“I’m fine,” I lied.
“You probably need coffee. I’ll make some.” She set her purse on the bottom step and paused. “Unless…you have company?”
I shook my head slowly. “No company.”
She patted my cheek and sailed by me. “Good. Are you hungry?”
“Mom…it’s Sunday and it’s early and…I didn’t sleep well last night. Let’s forget coffee, and I’ll stop by the house for dinner later, okay?”
“Would you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up?” she called from the fridge.
I blew out a rush of air and slumped against the counter, warily wondering what this was all about. There was no way she knew about Vinnie and me. No one knew. I’d been so good about staying away from him at the diner last night. I’d barely noticed when he left with Trunk and Sienna.
I mean, of course, I’d noticed.
I’d noticed everything about him. The rigid set of his shoulders, the tightness in his jaw. My timing sucked. What could I do, though? Wait till after he returned from Miami with his beautiful ex? I wished she hadn’t shown up, but maybe she’d done me a favor. This was never going to end well, and there was never going to be a good time to remind him of who we really were.