Total pages in book: 72
Estimated words: 68390 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 342(@200wpm)___ 274(@250wpm)___ 228(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 68390 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 342(@200wpm)___ 274(@250wpm)___ 228(@300wpm)
That’s legit. My mom doesn’t lie to me. I’m the one who kept this from my family, but they’re not mad at me. They’re not mad at Sterling. They’re not trying to separate us. I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. I don’t usually do that—not realize I’m not breathing.
This offer isn’t conditional. My family’s love isn’t conditional. Their idea to help us isn’t conditional on me never seeing Sterling again. There are always conditions on everything, but not on the hand that my mom puts on my shoulder. Not on the way she squeezes, assuring me with a single look that she loves me and always will love me, even if I’ve hidden a marriage for the past four years.
“I’d prefer if you left and never saw my sister again,” Bryan says. He yelps a second later and jumps up, and no, it’s not because Sterling has booted him under the table. Sterling’s not even sitting at the table. He hasn’t even moved. He also doesn’t have bionic eye skills. “Your dog just rubbed his anus on me!”
Bryan is wearing shorts and a T-shirt. I crouch down, and Beans wags his tail. He’s under the table, just standing there.
“He backed up and leaned his hot anus on me!” Bryan grumbles.
“Hmm, sounds like he was trying to give you a hug.” My mom is trying very hard not to laugh.
But my dad does it for her. He bellows his signature dad laugh that sounds a little bit like a donkey’s mating call. Heee-hawwwwww. Heeeeeeeee-haw. He-he-heeeeee.
“Dad!” Bryan huffs, his face turning red. “I fail to see how that’s a hug. And it’s not funny.” He’s embarrassed. My little brother, who hardly ever gets embarrassed about anything, is totally turning red. This coming from a guy who can let one rip in a totally silent room, and everyone knows it’s him, and he won’t even deny it, or he’ll just straight up confess to it.
“He could have been giving you a dog CPR. We were getting awfully excited in here,” Mom goes on. She’s getting on a roll now. She gets like this when we play those board games with words. You will never, ever beat my mom at one of those. Peeing your pants is also a high risk when undergoing those kinds of activities with her. “Anyway, these waffles are ready to be made.” She reaches for the waffle maker and, within a minute, has it plugged in and greased with the cooking spray from the cupboard. “Sit back down, Bryan. The dog just loves you, that’s all. Give him some nice pets and we’ll talk about how to outsmart these cousins from you know where.”
“The moon?” Dad suggests, genuinely confused.
I bite back my own laughter. I may have inherited a little bit of that braying call from him, and I don’t dare let it loose.
“I think she was talking about hell,” Bryan states dryly. He reluctantly starts scratching Beans’ head. I can see the movement from above the table.
I finish cracking eggs, and once I have the whole pack in the bowl, I get a whisk, add some milk, and start scrambling. Everyone thinks it’s for the pan, and it is, but it’s also for the bowl. That’s the secret to good scrambled eggs. Well, that, along with cheese and tons of hot sauce.
“I did some research,” Dad goes back to saying while I heat up the frying pan and Mom gets her waffle-making game face on. “It would take a lot of work and probably some good lawyers and some time. I’m not saying it would be cheap, but I think you can pull the rug right out from under them, clichéically speaking.”
“Clichéically isn’t a word,” Bryan interjects.
Beans woofs from under the table. My brother reluctantly goes back to petting him with a sigh. “Your dog’s butthole is way too warm. I think he should see a doctor for that.”
“How warm?” I can’t help myself. I’m rising to it. “I think they’re supposed to be pretty hot. That’s where they take their temperature, you know.”
“Ears,” my brother throws back at me with a shudder. “They take it in the ears.”
I pour the mixed-up eggs into the hot pan and listen to them sizzling. Speaking of hot things, I think I got the perfect temperature. “I think they do sometimes stick it…uh…where the sun doesn’t shine.”
“Well, I think it’s hot. You should get it checked,” Bryan says stubbornly.
“Fair enough. But tell me more about this plot. I mean plan.”
At last, my brother perks back up. “It’s a plan to save you from the evil butt crack butthole-faced cousins.”
“You’ve never seen them,” I protest, just to be fair. “You don’t know what they look like.”
“Well, they act like buttholes.”
“Fair enough.” Dad’s using his serious tone, and he’s getting his game face on. His business game face. His no one messes with my family and survives to tell the tale, especially not butthole cousins game face on. Suddenly, I’m blinking back tears. I’ve never been prouder of my family or felt more loved. They’re here because we need them. They’re here without even being asked. Heck, they don’t even like Sterling, yet they still showed up in the biggest way. “This is how I think we could do it…”