Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 94609 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 378(@250wpm)___ 315(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 94609 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 378(@250wpm)___ 315(@300wpm)
To be angry and not able to storm away.
To hurt and not be able to control the pain.
To feel and want everything in this lifetime, but not to have a chance to live out your wishes and dreams.
I stole Eric’s and Carter’s lives.
But I ruined Anna’s.
And now she had a recent vision of me in her mind.
I bet I was smiling when I looked up at her.
I bet I looked happy.
Because I was at that moment. I was so painfully happy, and it made me sick to my stomach that Anna witnessed that part of me.
I didn’t deserve to be happy. I didn’t deserve to mindlessly stuff my mouth with popcorn as the love of my life was getting a triple-decker ice cream cone.
The love of my life.
No.
I didn’t deserve that.
Did she ever have her first kiss?
Did she ever fall in love?
The love of my life?
No.
I didn’t deserve that.
Yet there I was, wrapped in the arms of a man who made me feel safe when everything in Anna’s life felt so unsafe. My mind kept repeating the same thoughts.
Did she ever have her first kiss?!
Did she ever fall in love?!
The love of my life?!
Oh my gosh.
No.
I didn’t fucking deserve that.
For the next few days, I was quieter than usual. I did my best to act normal, but my mind was in a spiral.
Anna, Eric, Carter. Anna, Eric, Carter. Anna, Eric, Carter.
On the whole ride back to Westin Lake, Theo did the most talking. He offered to let me choose the music. I declined. He still put on music that he knew I’d love. I saw the sadness in his eyes. I was going to break his heart.
I wanted to die.
We got back to his place. He opened the passenger door for me and held his hand out to take mine. He helped me out of the car. I tried to walk away quickly, but he pulled me into a hug. He held me tight. I was going to break his heart.
I wanted to die.
When we walked inside the house, I told him I needed a shower. He offered to shower with me. I said I wanted to shower alone. I needed to push him away, and I knew I had to be cruel to do so. I was going to break his heart.
I wanted to die.
Theo startled me slightly when I stepped out of the shower. He stood there with a towel for me. He held it out, and I stepped into it, wrapping myself up. “Thank you,” I said.
He wrapped his arms around me from behind and skimmed his mouth against my earlobe. “Why are you running from me?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’ve been avoiding me for a few days now.”
“I’m not avoiding you. I’ve been in bed with you every night this week. That’s far from running.”
“You are, though. Maybe not physically, but emotionally, I see you withdrawing.”
I lowered my head and looked at the floor. “That’s not true.”
“Then why do you do that?”
“Do what?”
He placed a finger beneath my chin and tilted my head up to meet his stare. “Avoid looking at me.”
I moved my head slightly, breaking the stare from him. “I don’t avoid looking at you.”
“This past week, we’ve had sex with the lights off, and even then, you always closed your eyes.”
“Not always,” I argued.
He huffed, and the sound was packed with annoyance. Maybe confusion. Maybe both. “You do.”
“What do you want from me, then, Theo? You want me to fuck you with the lights on? You want me to stare in your eyes when I hit my orgasm?” I sarcastically remarked, being colder and ruder than I’d ever truly been. But I had to. I had to push him away. “You want me to make eye contact nonstop.”
He looked at me as if I were a stranger. Good.
“What’s with the tone?” he questioned.
“You’re asking stupid questions.”
He stared even more perplexed. Great.
“Stop with the attitude, Willow,” he said.
“Then stop with the assumptions about me pulling away from you.” Even though I had been. I was running as far away as possible.
“They aren’t assumptions. They’re facts.”
“You can’t make—”
“Something scared you.” His voice rose as he stood in front of me. “You’re scared, Willow. I get it. Just tell me what happened.”
“I’m not scared of anything.”
“You’re scared of everything.” He stepped back slightly and slid his hands into his sweatpants pockets. “We’re not that different, you and me, Willow. So stop acting like we are,” Theo scolded.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do. Because after that one time I told you I’d always see you, I haven’t stopped looking. I notice everything when it comes to you, and I know you’re scared because this feels real.” He took my hands in his. “We are real, and real scares you.”
Yes. Yes. All of that, yes. I puffed my chest out. “I’m not scared.”