Total pages in book: 125
Estimated words: 121576 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 608(@200wpm)___ 486(@250wpm)___ 405(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 121576 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 608(@200wpm)___ 486(@250wpm)___ 405(@300wpm)
Jenna looked at me. She didn’t argue it now. She couldn’t.
“I have this dream about her sometimes.” My chest moved deeply as I breathed. “That night me and you were together, that first night when I called out for Sadie…I always dream the same thing. Not every night, but enough. It scares the shit out of me when I have it.”
“What do you dream?”
“I wake up. She wakes me up.” I smiled a little at the memory. “It’s our last day together. I can remember it clearly. It plays out just like it happened, but after I leave for work, I’m still there with her. In my dream I can see her…I follow her around and she’s struggling. She’s wishing I’d stayed and she wants me there. And I think it’s the fact that I don’t know what happened that fucks me up so bad. I don’t know what she was feeling and I don’t know if she hesitated taking those pills, if she was waiting for me…I don’t know. I’ll never fucking know.”
“Have you talked to anyone about it?”
“No. Only you.”
“Nathan, you should probably talk to someone—”
“I only want to talk to you about it. I should’ve already.” I lifted my glasses to wipe wetness from my eyes. “Thursday would’ve been difficult to handle if I’d simply forgotten, but I have guilt already when it comes to Sadie—I always will. I didn’t see her when she was alive, Jenna, and I have no problem seeing you. I will never have that problem.” She blinked at me. “I messed up. I’m sorry I told you to leave. I’m sorry I acted like I didn’t want you there…I did. I should’ve called. I should’ve been here sooner. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” I stroked my thumb along her cheek, leaning closer. “I can’t lose you.”
“Nathan…”
“You were right.”
She studied me. “About what?”
“How scary it is to love someone this much. It is completely terrifying.”
Her pink lips slowly parted. She inhaled sharply and pulled back, letting my hand fall away. “I don’t think we should do this,” she whispered.
I stared at her mouth. I waited for the words, to hear them again. I must’ve misunderstood her. We shouldn’t do this?
“What?” I asked.
Jenna moved my hands out of her lap, depositing them into my own, then pushed to her feet and stood on the sidewalk. She clutched at the strap across her body with both hands, like she needed something to hold, and if it wasn’t that, it might’ve been me, and she couldn’t let it be me.
“Why shouldn’t we do this?” I pressed her, getting to my feet then as well. I stood in front of her. “What are you talking about?”
“I don’t think you’re ready.”
“To move on?” How can she think that? “Jenna, I am ready. I want to be with you.”
She quickly shook her head. “No, see? It’s not just me, Nathan. You can’t just want to be with me. And maybe this is my fault. Maybe I should’ve said something before we started anything. Then my kids wouldn’t have gotten hurt…I let them get attached to you. God, I wished for it. I wanted this to work so badly. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted…I want a family.”
Her tears fell, streaking down her face. She let them. She didn’t wipe them away, and when I stepped closer, needing to do it for her, Jenna took a step back.
“Jenna.” Her name was a plea on my lips.
“No. Please, don’t. I can’t do this. I’m not just looking for someone for me, you know? And maybe you’re ready to move on and date. That’s one thing, Nathan. But I don’t think you’re ready for me and my kids. You have no idea how deep into this they are already. Oliver worships you. I see the way he looks at you. He wants to be your son. He wants to throw like you and be as tall as you are. And Olivia, oh my God, she made this list in her little notebook. She wrote down all the reasons why you would be the best dad for her. She’s so in love with you, Nathan. They both are. And for six days you let them think you didn’t feel the same about them. You’re not ready.”
“Yes, I am.” I stepped closer, grateful when she didn’t move back. “I am ready.”
“They needed you, Nathan.”
“I need them. I need all three of you.” I hovered my hand above her cheek. “God, please, let me…I messed up, Jenna. I’m sorry. Let me fix this.”
She stared into my eyes as she wiped her own tears away. She wouldn’t let me do it. I lowered my arms and looked at her. My heartbeat pounded in my ears.
“Brian is going to take Oliver camping on Friday. I already asked him to.”