Total pages in book: 65
Estimated words: 60418 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 302(@200wpm)___ 242(@250wpm)___ 201(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 60418 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 302(@200wpm)___ 242(@250wpm)___ 201(@300wpm)
I pulled up a chair for Nana, and we gathered around her and waited. At almost exactly two p.m., a local courier service pulled up across the street, and two men got out and unloaded a box that was about three feet square and seemed heavy. Darwin held up a video camera and tried to film through the glass, while Josh grabbed his laptop and checked the feed from the two hidden cameras.
When the couriers knocked on his door, the neighbor came outside and instantly seemed annoyed. He asked them a question and gestured at the box, which was on the walkway leading up to the porch. The two guys just shrugged and showed him their clipboard. “I sent it from a fictitious company called the Great Northern Sports Enthusiasts Association,” Darwin said. “I thought that sounded sufficiently hetero, so he wouldn’t think it came from us. I also gave the couriers instructions to leave it there even if Humpington refuses delivery.”
The neighbor looked around suspiciously, craning his neck to see if Nana was in her yard. Then he went ahead and signed the clipboard. The couriers left the box on the walkway and took off, even though he yelled at them and tried to get them to bring it inside.
Josh muttered, “Please work,” as he set aside his laptop and crossed his fingers.
“It’ll work,” Darwin murmured, as he pushed his dark hair out of his eyes. “You’ll see.”
Humpington pulled the lid off the crate and jumped back, as if he was expecting a trap. All those years feuding with Nana had made him twitchy. The sides of the crate fell flat, exposing a dark blue cube with a white cord jutting from the top. “It says ‘pull me.’ I wonder if he’s dumb enough to fall for it,” Josh told us.
“Oh, he’s dumb enough,” Nana said. “He’s also a perfect example of that expression ‘curiosity killed the cat.’ There’s no way he can leave it alone, even if he knows it could be a trap.”
As Humpington walked around the blue cube and examined it from all angles, I asked, “What’s the concept here?”
Josh replied, “Have you ever seen those lifeboats that self-inflate?”
Just then, Humpington pulled the cord. The blue outer shell tore away, and a giant, pink cock and balls burst to life, almost instantly inflating to about ten feet in length. We could hear the neighbor’s shriek as he dove onto his lawn and rolled away from the inflating phallus. All of us howled with laughter.
“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,” Nana told us, “that man is terrified of dicks.”
Even through the closed window, we could hear the neighbor cussing a blue streak. A woman walking her dog paused on the sidewalk to stare at the massive dong, and a car came to a stop in the middle of the street to see what was happening.
Humpington turned bright red as he glanced in their direction. Then he leapt up, grabbed the inflate-a-wienie in a bear hug, and threw himself on top of it in an effort to get it to deflate. He could barely get his arms around it. Nana chuckled and said, “It’s girthy.”
When that failed, he tried to get a better grip on it by grabbing the balls. Then he had the brilliant idea of shoving the big willie through the open doorway of his house, so he could put an end to the public spectacle. The cock slid in, but the balls were too big to fit through.
He flung himself against the balls over and over to try to cram them through the door, and all of us lost it again. “It looks like he’s trying to knock up his house,” Nana managed, between howls of laughter.
Finally, the balls popped through the doorway. Then he staggered in after them and slammed the door behind him. As I wiped tears of laughter from my eyes, I murmured, “That was deeply satisfying.”
Josh picked up his laptop to check that he’d gotten the footage, while Darwin grinned and said, “It went so much better than I’d hoped. I never imagined he’d try to shove it into his house.”
“That was expert-level trolling,” I said. “How the hell did you make that thing?”
“We didn’t. We went to the graduate students in the industrial engineering department at our college and told them what we wanted, and a few of them took it on as a weekend project,” Josh explained. “Turns out it’s pretty easy to get college students to participate in pranks involving giant dicks.”
I muttered, “Aw, man. Sometimes I feel like I really missed out by not going to college.”
I’d been trying to make a joke, but Darwin must have heard the truth behind it. “It’s always there for you, whenever you’re ready,” he said. “Classes at City College are pretty affordable. San Francisco State, where Josh and I go, isn’t all that expensive, either.”