Total pages in book: 91
Estimated words: 86841 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 434(@200wpm)___ 347(@250wpm)___ 289(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 86841 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 434(@200wpm)___ 347(@250wpm)___ 289(@300wpm)
His eyes stayed locked on me as he waited. He wanted me to continue.
“When Delana passed away, I thought the void she left inside me was permanent. I loved her. You know that. But I was young, and I believed that you only loved like that once. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling something that intense with anyone else. So, I chose to become a priest. Serve the life I had to live without her and any chance of happiness for God. Helping others.”
His thick tongue came out and licked his lips. “You’re telling me that’s changed?” The disapproval in his tone was clear.
“Yes, it has. I’ve started the process of laicization,” I told him. “The request has been sent to the bishop.”
Carp dropped his arms, and he leaned toward me. “You what?” he asked as if I had told him I’d just killed a man.
I let out a weary sigh. This was nothing compared to how Hannah was going to react. I guessed telling Carp was a warm-up.
“I can’t be a priest. I’ve already broken my vows,” I told him.
“What?” Hannah’s gasp as she walked from behind me to look at my face was about what I’d expected. She’d gone pale. Horror showed in her gaze.
“I’m sorry. You both have done a lot for me, and I promise I will pay you back every dime you spent on me. But I made the decision to be a priest when I was a boy who hadn’t truly lived yet.”
She held out a hand to stop me. Flashes of anger and pain warring in her eyes. “You are telling us that you don’t want to be a priest. That you are sure that there is someone out there for you. Is this about sex?” She whispered the last word, still standing up. “Because that is not worth giving up your vows.”
I shook my head. “This isn’t about sex. I mean, well, yeah, partly. That comes with a relationship. But I don’t think I will find someone. I already have. I wasn’t looking. She walked into my life, and I fought it, but I fell in love anyway. There was no stopping it.”
Hannah’s look of disgust as she stared at me didn’t bring the guilt I’d thought it would. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.
“Having sex is not love. You loved Delana. That is real love. What you have done is lose your virginity, and sex has confused you.”
I stood up, placing the napkin in my lap beside my plate. She, or anyone else, wouldn’t tell me how I felt about Saylor. “I know what love is. I know the difference.”
Carp slapped down money onto the table and stood, pushing back his chair with more force. “Take this outside. Folks are looking,” he said angrily.
He was the one who had asked me. I had tried to wait until we didn’t have an audience. I followed them both out the door and into the sunshine.
Hannah spun around the moment we were on the sidewalk. “I won’t let you do this. You are not going to ruin your life. What about Delana?” she cried as tears filled her eyes. “Is her memory really that easy to toss away? Forget? You wanted to be a priest for her. To give your life a greater purpose. And you are tossing it away for some, some jezebel.”
“Don’t,” I warned, trying to remember that she was hurting. I’d let her down. But I’d be damned if she started calling Saylor names. “You do not know her. You don’t know the circumstances. And I will not allow you to call her names and throw accusations at her or blame her.”
She swung her gaze to Carp, wide-eyed, as if she couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth.
“I love you both. Your family will always be important to me. But I had to choose, and I chose her. I love her. I’m aware this hurts you, and I knew it would. I didn’t think this was going to be something you understood or accepted. But she is what I want. She brought happiness and light back into my life. She gave me a reason to live. Really live.”
Hannah threw up her hands dramatically. “What about living for Delana?! Do you remember that promise? You tossed it aside so easily. Who knows how long this will last? Then, you are going to realize you made a mistake and ruined your life.”
Carp laid a hand on her shoulder, pulling her back from where she was now inches away, pointing her finger at my chest. Tears rolling down her face.
“Seems he made his decision,” he said to her. “Causing a scene out here ain’t going to change it. Let’s go.”
She turned and buried her face in his shoulder as sobs shook her body. His eyes met mine, and I had a feeling if he thought I’d let him land one, he would take a swing at me. He patted her back, whispering words to her, but looking at me.